Monthly Archives: August 2007

Don’t be an Hindiot!!

In the wise words of Mocha the following people qualify for the DBAH Awards:

1) Any person who has been in stato for more than 5 minutes already knows that when going to a jungu/akata rave, there’s a dress code that’s strictly enforced.
So how one of my pals ended up wearing sneakers and a baseball cap knowing exactly where we were going is beyond me. So you can imagine we got frozen to get in.

How pissed was i??

And nothing makes me more mad than dressing up to the nines and not getting to show off. He is yet to get in touch with me and i will rip him a new one when he ever does. Oh and did i happen to mention that it’s same dude who stood me up for the movie…so you know his three strikes are up and his ass is out!!!

2) Those dudes who do the Chit-Chat show with Eve D’souza.
Is it Solo & Alex or something of that order?
My goodness, what a block of dumb bricks these dudes are…WTH?!!

There was this chic who had emailed to say that her mano kissed some other chic in the rave and when she confronted her mano he had the gall to say that he was drunk. It’s like he tripped and fell on some foreign lips.

Those numb-skulls were talking as if it’s not a big deal, ati there different kinds of kisses, so the dude may have been consoling/ greeting a chic he hasn’t seen in along while.
Do they actually getting paid?! They should be the poster-children of the importance of kids staying in school.

I wish Eve would have duct-tape with her and just tape their mouths shut till they have something clever to say.

3)Some guy who was trying to katia me (and he has a mama). I dismissed his storoz. Not just because he had a mama, but also the fact that he’s one fat-ass guy who drinks too much and smokes way too much.

Complete turn-off!!


He moved out of state a while back and apparently he’s coming back for some funky with his famo.
He sends me a text at 4am to tell him that he will be in town and we should do lunch.
WTH??!! 4-in-the-friggin’-morning!!
It’s not like he moved to Hawaii where i can forgive him for send me a text that late.And even that is still not an excuse.
Anyway, i’m busy wall-staring and refusing to eat(tis still for losers ya know!!) </em


Posted by on August 21, 2007 in Uncategorized


More arguments for staying single

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?”
The girl said “No!!!”

…and she lived happily ever after.

She went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End


Posted by on August 20, 2007 in Uncategorized


In other news

– I watched Rush Hour-3.
Loews owes me $7.50!
Only the bloopers at the end of the movie were $2 funny. The rest of it was b-r-u-t-a-l!!!

– What the hell is the point of wearing a thong if all i’m going to be doing is keep fishing it out of the crack of my ass every 30 minutes?! Someone buy me some granny panties!!

– A pal of mine was telling me that some chic was asking about me after she saw me on some pics we took together in his camera. Ati she had the nerve to say that i have intense looks!
How dare she?!
Kwani i don’t know that?!!
Was that was a back-handed comment?

– So i wanted to write about some blogger characters.
Now i don’t know any of these people personally, but from how they write i sorta get their gist.

Now this is all done in good fun.
Please don’t throw me under the bus after this.

He does come off as misogynistic. Sorry Aco. He is the kind of dude who when you show up for some loving, will have you sign a letter a consent with the following stipulations
No scuba diving
No watching Porno
No grabbing his ass at any given time
No screaming or moaning
And when you’re done please leave immediately (no apple juice or a warm rag for ya).

The complete opposite of Acolyte.
Udi loves him some mamaz.
He is actually the kind of dude who is willing to do whatever to a mama to scream his name backwards.
Don’t be surprised to see a little drool on the side of his mouth- he’s just happy!
He will have you naked in under a second the minute you step into the room.i
During the romp he may lick your face several times repeating: Aki wewe ni mtamu!!

He is large and in charge.
Actually he will make the mama feel very at home in the bedroom.
He will take off your clothes slowly and even offer to fold them one by one and stack them neatly on the seat next to bed.
He is abit weird.
He will turn away from you to take off his clothes, repeating the same routine of folding and stacking.
When he’s done, he straitens up his back- and like a horror movie- when he turns around, Giiiirrrrlll get ready to get mauled!!
There’s no mercy whatsoever.


Between the love making, be ready for him to say eureka! and run off to write some mathematical formula that just dawned on him. But he is such a sweetheart, he will offer you a snack after y’all are done.


Posted by on August 16, 2007 in Uncategorized


So now

This dude, who from now on shall go by the name cousin-lover, CL kwa ufupi, has become three-much.

So he’s been calling me consistently since Saturday.
So i had to ask him what the deal be. Kwanini kanitafuta hivi?
Then he says that i intrigue him.
He finds me interesting- eti yuataka kunijua. So now i feel like i’m in a petri-dish under a microscope.

Oh plus he says that he’s looking for love.
Okay, do i look like the friggin’ yellow pages to ya?!

I told him that because of his past affair with family, i am not willing to even think of anything happening between us- except be casual friends (and i mean c-a-s-u-a-l)because it would be betrayal of the highest order.
Plus i ain’t no fool. You used to smash that (my cuz) and he thinks that ama break him off a lil’ sumthin’…ninja please!!

Last thing i need is some dude going like: Yeah son, i had her and her cousin too.
His homeboy,”Dang son, you is the man!! Oh is that how they get down? Hook me up kid.”


He quickly changes topics and says that he wants to see me this weekend.

Oh hell no!

I got plans- whether it’s the rave or just staring at the walls in the crib- i’m busy!!
He wants to come see me or i go see him. Of which we argued for about 30minutes. He wanted a reason why i was refusing to invite him.

Please, i’m going to see a dude who’s not my man plus, i barely know him for a whole friggin’ weekend?!
I did not fall off the turnip-truck this morning.

I don’t do long distance relationships. If you don’t leave close enuff for me to perform a swoop-down on ya ass at any given time, then forget it.

Great! Now i’m having a headache.

Ohh and my stalker has resumed regular programming. Had lengad his texts over the weekend in the hopes that he will get the hint- coz clearly me telling him that it’s never ever going to work out over and over again ain’t working.
I received a long email yesterday asking why i am refusing correspondence.

Sijui niseme.


Posted by on August 14, 2007 in Uncategorized


Mo’ drama

Y’all should know by now that when i go quiet, it means there’s some drama a brew.

Where do i begin??!!!

Remember the dude who i told you had a love jones for me(turns out to be the same dude who stood me up for our movie thingi?) I was talking about him to a guy pal of mine who came to the conclusion that the dude is stalking me.

Which, is slightly true coz the guy is relentless in pursuing me to the point where i do get a weeee bit worried.
But that’s a story for another blog…

So, here’s the ‘T’ for now:

There’s this guy who used to mess with a cousin of mine a while back. Things never worked out for them. But she was deep in love with him and he…well, he had issues coz he had a mama at the time and it was complicated.

When i finally got around to meet him, i had heard so much about him that i hated him on site!! He didn’t like me either so, it was all good.

Fast forward a few years later, we ran into each other. We exchanged pleasantries and caught-up with each others lives.
Then we exchanged numbers, of course i wasn’t expecting him to ever get i touch with me.

But he did!

We talk, casual talk, nothing serious.

He called me up a few days ago to tell me that he will in my neck of the woods and we should hook up.

No big deal.

Just for back-up i brought one of my gal-pals…

We met at the rave hanged out and had a good time.

So when he’s walking us to the car, my pal who is so high is loudly saying that me and this guy should hook-up.

“Kels i swear this is the man for you, gal!! Stop looking. He’s the one.”

“Oh hell no. Uh-uh.”

“No, you should.” she’s still insisting.

“Gal, it’s very complicated.”

Then he jumps in and said. “Yeah it’s complicated.”

Then i broke away from the group to go get the car and left them two talking.

When i got to the car, he comes running leaving my pal to fend for herself(at 4 am i may add). I’m sitting on the driver side and he knocks on the window.

Window rolls down.

“Yaani you just gonna leave like that, bila goodbye?”
“Si i see your working your charm on my pal. I ain’t trying to nyundo-block for nobody.”
“Ahhh it ain’t like that.”
Then he quickly changes the topic.

“So am i getting my goodnight kiss?”

I tell you, men are amazing!!
Did he fall down, bump his head and forget that he was involved with family?!

“Nah. I can’t do that man.”

“Okay. Can i kiss you on the cheek?”

So i turn my face so that he can kiss my cheek. Kiss on the cheek. Then he grabs my chin and tries to aim for my lips… i move back.

“Weee, ebu relax man. Don’t start something you can’t handle.”
He breathlessly replies: “Si i wanna french kiss you.”

I roared in laughter. “Trust me, you don’t want to go down that road with me.”

Thankfully, my pal reached the car and got in.
All the while he still trying to whisper some mess in my ear.

“Aight, we gotta go. You drive back safe. Sawa?”
Nonchalantly he replies. “Sawa. I’ll call you.”

Mutters under his breath. Walks away from the car.

He calls me an hour later, ati he wants to come to my place.

I laughed.

(I guess the call of the wild was on-lol!)

Told his horny ass to go sleep.

While driving back, i told my pal the down-low with him.

Oy! This just keeps getting interesting…


Posted by on August 11, 2007 in Uncategorized


Jason’s Lyrics

I watched Bourne Last night and i must say it was good. I like the knuckle fight scene with the assassin in Tangier and the Manhattan car chase was off-the-chain!! I couldn’t help though but wonder what was missing. You know it’s like when you make stew, you taste it, you smack your lips and say:
“Something’s missing…”

That’s how i felt when the movie was over. Maybe it’s just me…i dunno.

So my movie date stood me up… Ebu someone gasp!!

Here’s the deal. I called him up and we made plans for 7:30pm. This was around 5:45pm or so. So i finish my grocery shopping then went home to spruce up.
(oh did i mention that some Naija dude approached me while i was putting my groceries in the car and told that he wants to speak with me?! What a creep!! In this day and age of kidnappings, last thing i need is some dude stepping up to me near my own car.)

But i digress…

I get to the theater around 7pm. Then the guy calls me 10 minutes before the movie starts and asks me where i am? ALA?!! What’s he smokin’?!
I’m like: I’m at the movies. You on the way?
Then he proceeds to tell me that we should catch the 8pm movie coz he suddenly discovered that he has a flat tire.

I’m like dude, why didn’t you tell me earlier? We could have rescheduled?!

Then he starts to explain himself. At this point i really can’t hear a damn thing coz i’m soooooooooooo freaking livid i can’t see strait!!

I told not to even bother showing up and hang-up (okay i has someone on hold on the other line).
I went up to the counter, paid and went in.
Lucky, while i was on the line, i spotted a chic i know that i hadn’t seen in years. So we chatted for a bit and decided to be each other’s date…phew!! I did tell her about my no-show of a date and she felt sympathetic.
That nucca or rather ninja(thanx XL) better be glad that i love Matt Damon. He soothed me…a bit.

By the time i turned my phone back on after the show. I had 6 messages and 3 voice mails…from the dude. He was apologising and trying make it up to me.

Not to worry, his punishment has been secured.

It will be short and very severe!!


Posted by on August 6, 2007 in Uncategorized


Tube Review

Now that summer tv is about to end, boy am i glad!! 7 weeks and counting…

Here’s a quick review:

I have been running my Public Television Station rugged!! And as a result, become a fan of “Last of the Summer Wine”

Someone in need of a serious beatdown: Chris Hansen.
Okay, so it was fun watching him catch online predetors. Now it’s just done right annoying!!
He has become a one man-sting opertation. He’s off in China cathing people selling fake drugs and running all over the country trying to nab i-pod thieves!! Chris, you just asking to get punched in the face at this point!!

And speaking of Dateline, how dare they get rid of Stone Phillips?! Wasn’t he the line in Dateline?!! That Ann Curry needs a shot of personality…what a bore!!

Tyra’s moving her show to the City(as if that will help!) Guess she has clearly run out of ideas in L.A. And why is she always trying to remind us that she was once a supermodel every chance she gets?!! Why is still on tv?!! I guess to show us that Beyonce ain’t the only one weaving lace-fronts.

The View has hired Whoopi as one of it’s host- YAWN!!!
I stopped watching the show after Star was mercilessly axed out. Not because of the fact that she was the only black lady on the panel, but Star was the ‘view” to View. Drama up the wazoo!!
First, she was soooo damn fat, then went under the knife and lost a ton of weight, then started blinding us with her humongous ring from her very queenie fiance, followed by all the hoopla about her nuptuals…(and you know ain’t no ounce of strait in that man she calls a husband!!)Oh! What was not to love about her!!…I was sopping it all up like a biscuit!!!

Fx’s new show Damages is to die for. I love it!! I am hooked. Until they change the writers and the cast. Then, i jump ship.

All reality shows at this point need to be lined up and shot one by one. Can you believe Big Brother is still on! I mean, what point is it on by now, Big Bro 150?! Ugh!!


Posted by on August 2, 2007 in Uncategorized