Category Archives: Relationships

Getting it out of the way…

First of all, I am not a male basher. So before y’all get you knickers in a bunch…CHILL! These are my observations on my fellow Kenyans.

So here’s my grievances with some of y’all.

Anyone who has been in this country longer than 24 hours should already know that taking regular showers, using underarm deodorant, brushing teeth is a way of life.

So tell me why I was at a bbq over the weekend and people who came to this country even before the underground railroad was not yet completed still do not have the science of hygiene down pat.

Why is it that the rancid dude is the one hovering around like a moth to a flame, leaning in to talk this close II to your face?… ugh! The hugs are the worst, especially when the dude smells of such heavy sweat, (you know how it gets hell hot during the summer people) the one you can tell that drinking water is not part of his daily repertoire since your eyes are burning from catching a whiff of his “eau de natural” cologne.  The hugs are always extra long and tight. Then his scent rubs off on your clothes… so now you and smelly over there share a bond that only detergent can break.

I will never forget last summer, my friend dragged me out to a Kenyan party. It had a been a hot, humid day. Clearly everyone got the memo to go home and shower before coming out at night except this one dude. He was smelling of day old sweat, bbq smoke, fatigue & desperation… and to top it off…he was fat!! Talk about a quadruple threat! Dude was stanking up the area so bad and he had that “I don’t give a fugg” look about it.  My friend and I just shook our heads and moved over to the other side, far away. Y’all know how parties get mad hot before closing time, so you know by the time the night was a wrap, dude was ripe!! and if he got a scallywag for the night…  God bless the girl who had to gag on all that.

Okay another thing I can’t stand is the guessing game. Don’t roll up on me asking me to guess who you are.  I’m sitting at the bench (same bbq) chatting with my friend and her cute baby when this guy comes up and the conversation goes like this:

Dude: hi (mentions my name)

Me: *thinking to self, da hell is you?* Hi

Dude: so do you know me?

Me: nope *shakes head*

Dude: you don’t know me? I wrote you on face book a while back…

Me: nope *meanwhile my friend had turned the other way cause she can’t believe this bullshit  talk dude is giving me is alive and well in 2011*

Me: so who are you?

Dude: don’t worry you’ll soon find out. *walks away*

Okay seriously y’all, what nonsense is that… ill soon find out who is because he is next in line to be president, the pope, god…. WHO?!!

The same goes for text messaging. Don’t text me and ask me to guess who you are… why don’t people have phone etiquette?   I have had several of those and let’s just say, after asking back to back “who is this?” and not getting a proper response, I went off on them. Needless to say it’s been a while since they have called or texted. Last time I ran to two of them, they told me “aki you are a mkali.” No I’m not. If you have my phone number, use it don’t abuse it!

Another major gripe is attitude…

Dude who are you PMSing for?  Why are you all pissy at me like I owe you dick?

There are some men I’d rather not even have a conversation with (be it phone or even online) because it always ends up going off-track. So I stick to the ones who get my dry jokes and don’t take everything so damn seriously.

I love to laugh… a lot. But when I get some faux-bougie vibe from someone male/female where you are trying to come off like you are better than me or it’s a burden to talk with me… BYE! I quickly put you on the back burner. Imma need some of y’all to kindly dislodge the broom stick shoved way up y’alls behinds.

The other lot, is the bitch ass negroes… and I know plenty of them!! Men (Kenyans) who will not even come up and say hi because they “feel” there are in a different league either because they date white/other ( these guys will talk smack about Kenyan chics while praising whoever they are dating… ) umm yeah self-hate is a disease! Sadly, some of them I see some on my twitter timeline and just shake my head.  There’s this one guy who I met a few months ago, we were in the process of being friends but his cocky attitude was just turning me off big time…. That should be a blog entry in itself. So anyway back to the story. One day out of the blue, he hits me a “hey red bone!”  text.  I was like da hell is this nigglet trying? Dude you’re trying to red bone/yellow bone me as if that wins you extra brownie points? FOH!! Go use that messed up analogy on hoodrats.

Or worse… work some corporate job. Omg! Let me pause here and say… this is the worst lot I have ever met. You’d think the fortune 500 company they work for is located between their ass cheeks.  These are the people whose accent, has an accent. Like really… now you going to talk to me in your corporate tweng just because we both happen to be hanging out in some upscale restaurant? Most of the time, those are the ones working lower level positions in the company but booooyyyyyy, lemme tell you when you ask where he works, he can’t even finish putting the ‘tan’ in Manhattan . He rolls it out in such a way that leaves you scratching your head all ‘huh?’ like.

Sometimes I want to tell them, “Well, fuck you and that pseudo-high horse you stay riding…”

Alas, my chariot awaits.


Prodigal men

They are baaaaacccckkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My stalker 🙂

and my ex… *gasp*

Okay so, let me start from the top. My ex… yes, yes, the one i was pining about months before is back in my life…

No, we are not dating or sexing. We talk… we talk a lot… a whole lot… hmmm

We did stop all forms of communication after i found out that he was dating behind my back (so to speak) and didn’t tell me about. I huffed, and puffed and cut him off. Then…well, i proceeded to pine and pine some more until i couldn’t take it anymore and stopped, i was done. Fast forward a couple of months later, he decides to send me a text out of the blue.

Of course my heart was beating 120beats per second then it stopped and dashed to my mouth when i saw his number flash on my phone (had deleted him- i was moving on you know). I actually broke out in a cold sweat. Typical chic i am. Ha!

I did text him back and one thing let to another badaboom, badabing, we are chatting it up like old pals.

He did tell me that him and ol girl were kaput. I was secretly happy- i know, how evil of me. But how many of y’all haven’t done a happy jig when the next relationship your ex has doesn’t work out?! Don’t be shy now, raise that hand up high and wave it!!!

He does have an agenda though- wants another chance to love me.

Ummm, yeah… I am not to sure about that.

Right now, i’m staying guarded and just letting the men duke it out. I don’t want to open myself up to the wrong person and get hurt all over again, even if it’s an ex.

He came to visit me a few weeks ago and i was in a panic before i said “yes”.

He had never come to visit me  while we were in the relationship. I  had a roommate then and we had a “no men allowed” policy, ever since one of my roomies men rolled up to the crib unannounced and found me in a bath towel!!! I finally got my own place so now, i finally have the privacy i have always craved.

We had fun though- we went out and he met my legendary friends. Yes i know you are wondering… did i give it up?


We made out though. Boyyyyy let me tell you that i was missing being touched BIG time. What?!! I felt alive. LOL!!  I could feel the weakness creeping up on me and wanting me to just say, “Fuck it, sex me real good!”

Too bad common sense was gnawing at me like a bad rash all thru the steamy sessions we had.


-A part of me does want him back. I  guess because i’m used to him. You know like those old sweats that you have. They are comfy and you know how they feel and move on your body.

-Another part of me wants something more that’s currently out there.

Sometimes i do wonder if i made a mistake getting back in communication with him. A few of my friends think so. “Let sleeping dogs lie…” “what’s in the past should stay in the past…” “he’s an ex for a reason…”

I don’t know people. I don’t know.

Oh yeah and then there’s the return of the stalker. *insert eye-roll*  He is not even worth to be in the stalker hall-of–fame section no more- so over him and his antics. We hanged a few months back and we did end up kissing.

I did let him know upfront that i was feeling him. Clearly that is not what he wanted to hear. Probably wanted to hear something in the lines of , “hey, why don’t we just have casual sex in the meantime while we deicide if we really wanna be together.” PFFT!!! Not with me he won’t. I don’t do casual sex.

All or nothing has always been my motto.

After a few calls and texts later, i did extend an invitation to him. He responded back… a friggin’ day later with a lame excuse to boot!!! I have never cursed a man like i did him that day!!! That did it for me. I was done with him. Did my pontius pilate routine and kept it moving.

After months of silence between us, he send me a text last week. Asking why i’ve been so quiet bla bla bla… Bunch of small talk later, he wants to see me. I swear the nerve of this negro!!!!

I haven’t said yes… or no, just a we’ll see.

In other news, it’s birthday week for me. Y’all know what that means: drinks, drinks and more drinks…  (hic)

The ex did send me very pretty flowers. Look at him trying to wiggle his way back into my heart. I teared up when i received them… damn him!!! *shakes fist*

Aren’t they pretty?!!!


Posted by on October 12, 2010 in Relationships, Sigh



It’s 3 in the morning and insomnia is at an all time high.

I subconsciously have been asking for a sign. A sign that tells me which way to go (relationship wise).

My receiver has been getting all kinds of messages and i couldn’t seem to figure out which one was the right one…

until a few a hours ago.

I saw my ex in a pic with some girl and the body language said it all. Since then i have been 😦

Let me back track and explain. We started talking again. Nothing serious just a few text messages, checking up on each other. I’d be lying if i said the texts didn’t give me hope of a reconciliation.

I did notice that he took long to respond back as well as the responses being vague and distant. Well a flag went off in my head that said “he must be preoccupied with someone else.” But as usual when you are blinded by love, you find every excuse in the book to justify it.

I had spoken with a mutual friend a while back and they were of the opinion that we should try to make it work. Well i gave their words a lot of thought and started mentally working on how i can make give this relationship another shot. I mean we are all not perfect and there’s no relationship that doesn’t have it’s share of ups and downs. I was so ready to jump back on the saddle. Gosh, I was ready to go to any length to get him back!!

So isn’t is funny how on the day i FINALLY decide to muster up all the courage in me and let him know how i really feel and that i want another go, i come across “the picture” on my friend’s album.

At first i gasped. First thought that came to my head was, “why is she that close to my man?”

Then my head started reeling. I stopped everything i was doing.

Got up and jumped in the shower to think.

The water is scalding hot yet i’m all numb and in a daze.

I start mumbling to myself. I have no idea what i’m saying.

I get out of the shower, put on my pajamas and paced around for a few minutes trying to think straight.

Then send him a text asking him who the girl was.

I get into bed, still in shock. Turn on the tv but i can’t see or hear anything.

So i pick up my phone and call my prayer partner. As soon as i heard her ask “what’s wrong?” I start sobbing so hard, she can barely understand what i’m saying. So we prayed, well she prayed, i was just crying.

I then fell asleep, woke up almost a few hours later and saw his reply… he’s pursuing her  😦 😦 😦

I guess i did set myself up to fail with my delusions of grandeur. Here i thought that he would call me one day and say “I love you girl, lets get back together. I miss you. I want to hold you in my arms. I want you back in life.” And i would reply, “I love you too baby, i want to be with you too. Lets make this work.” … *sigh* Pitiful ain’t it?!

I love really hard and it’s something in my personality that i can’t change. Trust me i have tried. So when it hurts, it hurts deep and long. That’s why i stayed away from relationship because i tend to fall apart when it’s over.

I guess the sign not only got through, but is out there for all to see.


Posted by on May 26, 2010 in Relationships, Sigh


Thank You!

For all the kind encouraging words you all have given me.

I think it’s best that what is in the past stay in the past. Although it’s easier said that done.

Oh well… one day at a time right?

Leave a comment

Posted by on May 13, 2010 in Relationships, Sigh, Uncategorized


On the mend…

I’m taking a break from blogging to get my mind and spirit right.

I’m going thru alot and i’m going thru it alone.

Once the tears are dried up and i it doesn’t hurt as much as it does now. I will be back with tales to tell.


Posted by on February 10, 2010 in Relationships, Uncategorized


You know what?!

I’m tired!

Tired of feeling guilty… no wait, tired of you making me feel guilty.

I apologised and apologised but it’s like you want to hold it over me, raking me over the coals over and over again…

and i can’t take it anymore!!!!

So now, i’m done because i know that i will never make you happy nor will you ever trust me. I have to move on with my life.

I would have taken you back but written words speak louder than actions.

Hopefully, the next women will make you more happy and secure than i did.


Posted by on November 4, 2009 in Rant, Relationships


Get a clue or buy one.

Men, men, men. Can we talk?

Okay after conducting a small survey the results are in:

1) When we are sitting on the couch relaxing, talking, watching tv. It would be nice if you looked into my eyes more than once rather than staring at my breasts. It helps to know you better.

2) When it’s time for foreplay, gently caress the breasts. Don’t turn the nipples like radio dials, also while on the subject of nipples… Nipple does not equal breast. The whole mammary gland is the breast!!

3) Trimming and filing finger and toe nails is a MUST!! I was watching this jacked up kenyan porn the other day and the girl kept getting hurt by this guy who had long nails. C’mon y’all that is so not the business. Some of you men need to understand that once you cut your nails, you need to file the edges smooth to avoid ripping our soft skin. Nothing kills the mood faster than getting your feet macheted by some jacked up toes while your legs are tangled up with his.

4) If you don’t know you way  downtown, or once you get there, can’t find you way around. Ask for directions. Don’t be down there fumbling like you are looking for a light switch.

5) When it comes to doing the do. Here a tip for ya: Don’t ask us to call you daddy. Not every woman has father issues. Where do men get off wanting to be called daddy? Boy stop!!

6) While in the process of doing it, if we hit a dry patch, kindly exit and apply more lube. You spitting on us, or the condom, is a strait turn-off.

7) You strait jack-hammering us for 2 hours strait with no break in not the biz. Forget what the porn stars and penthouse book says, it’s annoying and we don’t like it!! What you trying to do? Fuck the coochie to death?!

8 ) After we are done, don’t ask, “So how was it? did you like it?  did you come?”  Weren’t you there?!! The hell you asking me for!

9) If you will be requiring head. Please be advised that you will need to trim and clean your region. Your penis looking like the keeper of the wig-crypt is not appealing. When it comes to cleaning, some y’all men are just nasty with it. You need to clean your ass before you pull down y’alls pants to get some service. Smelling like a dead racoon with your boxers round your ankles is disgusting!

10) It’s ’09 and yes women are becoming more and more open. So if we request a tossed salad- sans vinaigrette, don’t start rebuking the devil and pouring holy water on us just because we happen to like rear activity. So if you not going to do it, trust me, Jimmy from across town is the King of Salads, we will get ours.

To be continued…


Tags: ,

What say you?

I was reading this article on how pro-athletes get plenty of play ass a result of… well being a pro-athlete. You could be buck-tooth ugly and just because you are a pro, women will be fawning all over you and even tell you how they would love to suck on your buck tooth cause it’s all sexy and stuff!!

Groupies are in every aspect of society, it’s the amount that varies. So don’t think it’s only Kobe who is getting ass, the chupa na ndebe guy is as well (on a small scale though).

The groupies are tenacious in trying to snag themselves a baller.

It must be hard to remain faithful, don’t you think? If you are getting women throwing themselves at you CONSTANTLY, every where you go!!! And you know these women come dressed in next-to-nothing type of clothing and are more than willing to bend over and show you a sample sale of the goodies even before you decide if you wanna be with her or not.

If you got approached by women/ men (i am being liberal here!)  who have killa bodies with food-stamp faces (aka butta face), would you budge? If she was hot body and face except for the ashy elbows and knees, you’d you give her a second glance?

Now my question to you is, are you as faithful as your options?


Posted by on April 28, 2009 in All things sex-related, Relationships



Don’t click if you are easily offended!!


Please, this is strait up X-rated talk…. NSFW!!!!


Hillarious 2… NSFW!!


Posted by on April 14, 2009 in All things sex-related, Relationships


To fart or not to fart…

Now that is one loaded question.

Okay, so at what point do you get comfy farting in the presence of your significant other? I am not talking about married folk, coz after you say your I DO’s…  invest in a gas mask.

*insert Darth Vader breathing sound effects*

I heard some celeb say after 3 months, it’s okay to let it rip… but c’mon you know 3 months in celeb world= 5 years!!

It’s best to handle the biz in the bathroom but it’s kinda hard, esp when the two of you are kicking it.  You tend to keep going to the bathroom, let one out, come out and on the way back, feel the need to let out another one. So that’s where you get to squatting (while exhaling) in the bathroom and let all them little extra bubbles go.  Ahhhhh sweet relief!!

But sooner rather than later, once you get back to couch cuddling, you feel the need to gas up one more time. And now it’s annoying coz the movie can’t keep getting paused every time! So you hold it in till you feel the need to take a pee… not a good idea coz then a storm starts brewing… below. And it’s only a matter of time before disaster strikes. God forbid, a make out session starts while you are in this predicament and your thigh gets lifted….*explosion sound effects*

So i need your two cents in the gas jar….

How long does the charade need to last before the real weapons of mass destruction are unearthed?!