Author Archives: kelitu

Getting it out of the way…

First of all, I am not a male basher. So before y’all get you knickers in a bunch…CHILL! These are my observations on my fellow Kenyans.

So here’s my grievances with some of y’all.

Anyone who has been in this country longer than 24 hours should already know that taking regular showers, using underarm deodorant, brushing teeth is a way of life.

So tell me why I was at a bbq over the weekend and people who came to this country even before the underground railroad was not yet completed still do not have the science of hygiene down pat.

Why is it that the rancid dude is the one hovering around like a moth to a flame, leaning in to talk this close II to your face?… ugh! The hugs are the worst, especially when the dude smells of such heavy sweat, (you know how it gets hell hot during the summer people) the one you can tell that drinking water is not part of his daily repertoire since your eyes are burning from catching a whiff of his “eau de natural” cologne.  The hugs are always extra long and tight. Then his scent rubs off on your clothes… so now you and smelly over there share a bond that only detergent can break.

I will never forget last summer, my friend dragged me out to a Kenyan party. It had a been a hot, humid day. Clearly everyone got the memo to go home and shower before coming out at night except this one dude. He was smelling of day old sweat, bbq smoke, fatigue & desperation… and to top it off…he was fat!! Talk about a quadruple threat! Dude was stanking up the area so bad and he had that “I don’t give a fugg” look about it.  My friend and I just shook our heads and moved over to the other side, far away. Y’all know how parties get mad hot before closing time, so you know by the time the night was a wrap, dude was ripe!! and if he got a scallywag for the night…  God bless the girl who had to gag on all that.

Okay another thing I can’t stand is the guessing game. Don’t roll up on me asking me to guess who you are.  I’m sitting at the bench (same bbq) chatting with my friend and her cute baby when this guy comes up and the conversation goes like this:

Dude: hi (mentions my name)

Me: *thinking to self, da hell is you?* Hi

Dude: so do you know me?

Me: nope *shakes head*

Dude: you don’t know me? I wrote you on face book a while back…

Me: nope *meanwhile my friend had turned the other way cause she can’t believe this bullshit  talk dude is giving me is alive and well in 2011*

Me: so who are you?

Dude: don’t worry you’ll soon find out. *walks away*

Okay seriously y’all, what nonsense is that… ill soon find out who is because he is next in line to be president, the pope, god…. WHO?!!

The same goes for text messaging. Don’t text me and ask me to guess who you are… why don’t people have phone etiquette?   I have had several of those and let’s just say, after asking back to back “who is this?” and not getting a proper response, I went off on them. Needless to say it’s been a while since they have called or texted. Last time I ran to two of them, they told me “aki you are a mkali.” No I’m not. If you have my phone number, use it don’t abuse it!

Another major gripe is attitude…

Dude who are you PMSing for?  Why are you all pissy at me like I owe you dick?

There are some men I’d rather not even have a conversation with (be it phone or even online) because it always ends up going off-track. So I stick to the ones who get my dry jokes and don’t take everything so damn seriously.

I love to laugh… a lot. But when I get some faux-bougie vibe from someone male/female where you are trying to come off like you are better than me or it’s a burden to talk with me… BYE! I quickly put you on the back burner. Imma need some of y’all to kindly dislodge the broom stick shoved way up y’alls behinds.

The other lot, is the bitch ass negroes… and I know plenty of them!! Men (Kenyans) who will not even come up and say hi because they “feel” there are in a different league either because they date white/other ( these guys will talk smack about Kenyan chics while praising whoever they are dating… ) umm yeah self-hate is a disease! Sadly, some of them I see some on my twitter timeline and just shake my head.  There’s this one guy who I met a few months ago, we were in the process of being friends but his cocky attitude was just turning me off big time…. That should be a blog entry in itself. So anyway back to the story. One day out of the blue, he hits me a “hey red bone!”  text.  I was like da hell is this nigglet trying? Dude you’re trying to red bone/yellow bone me as if that wins you extra brownie points? FOH!! Go use that messed up analogy on hoodrats.

Or worse… work some corporate job. Omg! Let me pause here and say… this is the worst lot I have ever met. You’d think the fortune 500 company they work for is located between their ass cheeks.  These are the people whose accent, has an accent. Like really… now you going to talk to me in your corporate tweng just because we both happen to be hanging out in some upscale restaurant? Most of the time, those are the ones working lower level positions in the company but booooyyyyyy, lemme tell you when you ask where he works, he can’t even finish putting the ‘tan’ in Manhattan . He rolls it out in such a way that leaves you scratching your head all ‘huh?’ like.

Sometimes I want to tell them, “Well, fuck you and that pseudo-high horse you stay riding…”

Alas, my chariot awaits.


Someone call child services

I have been neglecting my baby for a hot minute.

Well see, wha ha happened was.. i’m over on twitter acking a fool that i barely have time to update my blog. Clearly, i now suffer from ADD thanx to 140 character limit. 🙂

There’s nothing going on in my life life now- relationship wise i.e no sex. I know i ain’t the only one in riding the B-train so scootch over and lets enjoy the “scenic” view till the next stop.

The weather sucks ass!!! Big time. Every other day, there’s a snow storm. I am tired of shoveling snow and slipping on ice day in- day out.

So while i wait for the snow to finally melt, i will be indoors for the next month or 2… till then catch me on twitter.

P/S: send me your handle and i will follow you ONLY if you follow back!


Posted by on February 2, 2011 in Uncategorized


Prodigal men

They are baaaaacccckkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My stalker 🙂

and my ex… *gasp*

Okay so, let me start from the top. My ex… yes, yes, the one i was pining about months before is back in my life…

No, we are not dating or sexing. We talk… we talk a lot… a whole lot… hmmm

We did stop all forms of communication after i found out that he was dating behind my back (so to speak) and didn’t tell me about. I huffed, and puffed and cut him off. Then…well, i proceeded to pine and pine some more until i couldn’t take it anymore and stopped, i was done. Fast forward a couple of months later, he decides to send me a text out of the blue.

Of course my heart was beating 120beats per second then it stopped and dashed to my mouth when i saw his number flash on my phone (had deleted him- i was moving on you know). I actually broke out in a cold sweat. Typical chic i am. Ha!

I did text him back and one thing let to another badaboom, badabing, we are chatting it up like old pals.

He did tell me that him and ol girl were kaput. I was secretly happy- i know, how evil of me. But how many of y’all haven’t done a happy jig when the next relationship your ex has doesn’t work out?! Don’t be shy now, raise that hand up high and wave it!!!

He does have an agenda though- wants another chance to love me.

Ummm, yeah… I am not to sure about that.

Right now, i’m staying guarded and just letting the men duke it out. I don’t want to open myself up to the wrong person and get hurt all over again, even if it’s an ex.

He came to visit me a few weeks ago and i was in a panic before i said “yes”.

He had never come to visit me  while we were in the relationship. I  had a roommate then and we had a “no men allowed” policy, ever since one of my roomies men rolled up to the crib unannounced and found me in a bath towel!!! I finally got my own place so now, i finally have the privacy i have always craved.

We had fun though- we went out and he met my legendary friends. Yes i know you are wondering… did i give it up?


We made out though. Boyyyyy let me tell you that i was missing being touched BIG time. What?!! I felt alive. LOL!!  I could feel the weakness creeping up on me and wanting me to just say, “Fuck it, sex me real good!”

Too bad common sense was gnawing at me like a bad rash all thru the steamy sessions we had.


-A part of me does want him back. I  guess because i’m used to him. You know like those old sweats that you have. They are comfy and you know how they feel and move on your body.

-Another part of me wants something more that’s currently out there.

Sometimes i do wonder if i made a mistake getting back in communication with him. A few of my friends think so. “Let sleeping dogs lie…” “what’s in the past should stay in the past…” “he’s an ex for a reason…”

I don’t know people. I don’t know.

Oh yeah and then there’s the return of the stalker. *insert eye-roll*  He is not even worth to be in the stalker hall-of–fame section no more- so over him and his antics. We hanged a few months back and we did end up kissing.

I did let him know upfront that i was feeling him. Clearly that is not what he wanted to hear. Probably wanted to hear something in the lines of , “hey, why don’t we just have casual sex in the meantime while we deicide if we really wanna be together.” PFFT!!! Not with me he won’t. I don’t do casual sex.

All or nothing has always been my motto.

After a few calls and texts later, i did extend an invitation to him. He responded back… a friggin’ day later with a lame excuse to boot!!! I have never cursed a man like i did him that day!!! That did it for me. I was done with him. Did my pontius pilate routine and kept it moving.

After months of silence between us, he send me a text last week. Asking why i’ve been so quiet bla bla bla… Bunch of small talk later, he wants to see me. I swear the nerve of this negro!!!!

I haven’t said yes… or no, just a we’ll see.

In other news, it’s birthday week for me. Y’all know what that means: drinks, drinks and more drinks…  (hic)

The ex did send me very pretty flowers. Look at him trying to wiggle his way back into my heart. I teared up when i received them… damn him!!! *shakes fist*

Aren’t they pretty?!!!


Posted by on October 12, 2010 in Relationships, Sigh


*Frantic wave*

Nah, i’m not dead.

Just took a really, really, REALLY long break from putting my thoughts into words.

I am finally over all the crying and pity-party. I have moved on 🙂

Lots been going on:

– not in a relationship yet, but i got folk beating my door down… (makes for great blog tales!)

-been working on my culinary skills- i can throw down y’all.  My cooking had been getting better and better. *licks fingers*

-i finally joined twitter (2nd times the charm) and i’ve been getting ready addicted to it and i love it!! Way better, cooler than ol facebook.

I promise to blog soon!!!


Posted by on September 16, 2010 in Mumblings



It’s 3 in the morning and insomnia is at an all time high.

I subconsciously have been asking for a sign. A sign that tells me which way to go (relationship wise).

My receiver has been getting all kinds of messages and i couldn’t seem to figure out which one was the right one…

until a few a hours ago.

I saw my ex in a pic with some girl and the body language said it all. Since then i have been 😦

Let me back track and explain. We started talking again. Nothing serious just a few text messages, checking up on each other. I’d be lying if i said the texts didn’t give me hope of a reconciliation.

I did notice that he took long to respond back as well as the responses being vague and distant. Well a flag went off in my head that said “he must be preoccupied with someone else.” But as usual when you are blinded by love, you find every excuse in the book to justify it.

I had spoken with a mutual friend a while back and they were of the opinion that we should try to make it work. Well i gave their words a lot of thought and started mentally working on how i can make give this relationship another shot. I mean we are all not perfect and there’s no relationship that doesn’t have it’s share of ups and downs. I was so ready to jump back on the saddle. Gosh, I was ready to go to any length to get him back!!

So isn’t is funny how on the day i FINALLY decide to muster up all the courage in me and let him know how i really feel and that i want another go, i come across “the picture” on my friend’s album.

At first i gasped. First thought that came to my head was, “why is she that close to my man?”

Then my head started reeling. I stopped everything i was doing.

Got up and jumped in the shower to think.

The water is scalding hot yet i’m all numb and in a daze.

I start mumbling to myself. I have no idea what i’m saying.

I get out of the shower, put on my pajamas and paced around for a few minutes trying to think straight.

Then send him a text asking him who the girl was.

I get into bed, still in shock. Turn on the tv but i can’t see or hear anything.

So i pick up my phone and call my prayer partner. As soon as i heard her ask “what’s wrong?” I start sobbing so hard, she can barely understand what i’m saying. So we prayed, well she prayed, i was just crying.

I then fell asleep, woke up almost a few hours later and saw his reply… he’s pursuing her  😦 😦 😦

I guess i did set myself up to fail with my delusions of grandeur. Here i thought that he would call me one day and say “I love you girl, lets get back together. I miss you. I want to hold you in my arms. I want you back in life.” And i would reply, “I love you too baby, i want to be with you too. Lets make this work.” … *sigh* Pitiful ain’t it?!

I love really hard and it’s something in my personality that i can’t change. Trust me i have tried. So when it hurts, it hurts deep and long. That’s why i stayed away from relationship because i tend to fall apart when it’s over.

I guess the sign not only got through, but is out there for all to see.


Posted by on May 26, 2010 in Relationships, Sigh


Thank You!

For all the kind encouraging words you all have given me.

I think it’s best that what is in the past stay in the past. Although it’s easier said that done.

Oh well… one day at a time right?

Leave a comment

Posted by on May 13, 2010 in Relationships, Sigh, Uncategorized


To my ex…

I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ll start off by saying that i’m sorry.

I can never take back what happened. I’m tired of crying over spilled milk so to speak.

I miss you, terribly. It has taken me a long while to stop looking at my phone every 5 minutes for your texts or calls.

I miss being with you, talking to you. I miss us cuddling on the couch, in bed… with your hot hands 🙂 I miss having you as my man.

You’ve probably have moved on with your life and hardly think of or about me. That’s okay, i wasn’t expecting you to just sit around and mop since i’m the one who did you wrong.

Granted, i did enjoy flattery from other men but never did it ever cross my mind to break my vow of faithfulness to you. I shouldn’t have been so reckless with my talk, maybe i wouldn’t be where i am now but, maybe you didn’t trust me enough to believe that i would ever be faithful to you from the jump.

Nothing ever happened, nothing has happened nor is happening.

I don’t know and probably will never know why you thought that i would sleep with anyone else while being in a committed relationship with you.

I am putting this out there because i want to cleanse myself and stop carrying this heavy load in my heart. I want to move on. I don’t want to be alone anymore and i can’t be with anyone else if i still have you in my heart.

I hope that you are happy with whatever you do and whomever you choose to be with.



Posted by on March 19, 2010 in Uncategorized


On the mend…

I’m taking a break from blogging to get my mind and spirit right.

I’m going thru alot and i’m going thru it alone.

Once the tears are dried up and i it doesn’t hurt as much as it does now. I will be back with tales to tell.


Posted by on February 10, 2010 in Relationships, Uncategorized


So it finally happened…


My fear got realised yesterday.

I went tumbling down a flight of stairs last night… IN HEELS!!

It was fight night and my friends were hosting a party at their crib.  So right after the match ended, i asked my pal to take me outside so that i could go and check on my car (you know how it is when you visit your friends who live in hood-ish areas).

So we start making our way down these steep stairs that they have. After the third stair, he tells me,” make sure you don’t fall…”

Whilst he was still talking, i started laughing and then i missed a step and… off i went!! I thought that i was going to stop halfway if i tried to break the fall… boy was i wrong!! I made it to the bottom of the steps and yes, they were that many!!

My friend came and helped me up apologizing profusely, asking if i was okay. He checked me to see if i has broken any teeth and limbs. Thankfully, i hadn’t. Then everybody in the living room came rushing to see what had happened since the tumble was THAT loud!!

We both walked out and went to the car so that i can change into my flats.  He walked me back into the house and i refused to let go of his arm until we were safely back in the kitchen. Yes, i had to go back up those same darn steps!!

I got an ice-pack and nursed the bruise of my hand, little did i know that i had major bruises in other parts of my body that i couldn’t feel at that moment.

After that, i was in no mood to party so after a few minutes of mingling, i went over to the guy’s bed and blacked out. When i woke up today morning, the combination of body aches and a hangover (courtesy of 3 homemade stiff screwdrivers) had me cussing at the thought of the long commute awaiting me.

I finally made it home safe, seeing that i was flying down the highway and took a shower to access everything. My left side is all battered up 😦

I have a huge bruise-the size of a cup coaster on top of my thigh, a scraped knee, a bruised elbow, leg and foot. My chin also has a bruise.

So as i sit here nursing myself slowly back to health, i have learned a valuable lesson… falling down the steps for anyone over the age of 25, is not cool.

And P/S:  my 3.5 inch heels survived! 🙂


Posted by on November 15, 2009 in Rehab, Sigh


You know what?!

I’m tired!

Tired of feeling guilty… no wait, tired of you making me feel guilty.

I apologised and apologised but it’s like you want to hold it over me, raking me over the coals over and over again…

and i can’t take it anymore!!!!

So now, i’m done because i know that i will never make you happy nor will you ever trust me. I have to move on with my life.

I would have taken you back but written words speak louder than actions.

Hopefully, the next women will make you more happy and secure than i did.


Posted by on November 4, 2009 in Rant, Relationships