Monthly Archives: March 2007


I recently have become an FM addict.(forget hi-def radio, i ain’t got time to be buying special receivers for all that crap). I’m sticking to the ones already there- tried and true.
By the way have you ever wondered how/why radio is free? I mean compared to having cable that faithfully steals from you every month despite there being nothing but a pile of crap on tv, day-in day-out!!

Anyway as i was saying about my tuner-fad. I came across this nutty lady who has an afternoon show. She was talking one time about how after she became clean(was into coke major) she has now channeled all that energy into being a planner, and not just any old planner. She plans her life to six months out! I thot she was nuts! She calls it Bree Vanderkamping(from DHousewives). She books her family’s doctors appointements, where and when they are going for vacation, she’s invovled in her son’s school, has her own hustles on the side on top of having a radio show. I’m exhausted just writing about her life!!
She said that once you have an addiction to something and you overcome it, you sort get another addiction to fill that void.

Back to me.
I have always loved food- God i love it! And if you were a close friend, you would have noticed that i get all excited whenever food is mentioned.

I did notice however, that after moving to this country, i have silently been going up a pant size almost every 6months to a year. Not that i am a junk food fanatic, it’s just that i’ve never changed my old eating habits, which consisted of eating like a famine was about to break-out in an hour’s time.
The straw that broke the camel’s back? Last summer when i had to buy a size 12 swimdress, not a costume-(tankini or just 1 piece, a swim-damn-dress!!). I’m not saying that 12 is a big size, but i am no statuesque chic so, yeah, i had reached my breaking point in the dressing room. My ass was just out there, wanting it’s own zip-code and so did my hips!
I took matters into my own hands and got on a diet and exercise program. Well, it’s been about 6 months and i gotta say that i have lost a whole lot of weight and i feel like a new person. N/B: I was not weighing or even near 200lbs, so relax.

The positive side is walking into the dressing room and calling out for the assistant to bring you an outfit in a smaller size!
Crap, now i sound like the crazy women you see in those 3am informercials!

The negative: I am soo afraid of gaining the weight back that i am sometimes substituting a good portion of food for alcohol.

I am not falling out drunk, but there are days when i get home, tired and hungry and i can’t even bring myself to look at the stove or the fridge.Instead i reach for a glass of wine and call that dinner. The result, i nearly passed out from exhaustion this past week. I do plan to cook this weekend for the whole week but i know by tuesday night, i will be tired of warming up food, so i’ll reach for my trusted wine and call it a night.

Weight issues aside, i still can’t figure out my love life- since Milo is still dealing with women of ill-repute(you know i gotta throw gas on it).
I am basically clueless when it comes to men.
The bilaz train has made several pit-stops this month but i don’t know why my lover and i just can’t seem to get a relationship going. Even the pit-stops aren’t that frequent.
I did apply slight pressure the other day and had my way but, boy did i feel bad after that. I guess i’m still old fashioned and want the guy to make the move. At this point i don’t know what i really want. Honestly speaking, the passion is dying because it’s not translating into what i would like- a relationship. The thrill of seeing and being with him is not as strong and potent as it once was. Gosh! am i turning into a dude?!!


On a positive note, it’s the weekend and someone close to me is buying drinks…yay! No, i’m no lush,just need to unwind from a hectic week and a non-existant love-life.


Posted by on March 31, 2007 in Uncategorized



I will go down on record having said that blogging is like crack. You quit, cuss it out, go into rehab to detox, just to find yourself right back where you were before(actually much worse coz you come back with a vengence)!!

The same applies to going for Kenyan Funkies…

Goodness me!!! If i can have a $1 for the number of times i have sworn off attending another bash/heng that has wanainchi invovled, i would be in Forbes.

Everyday, like a New Year’s resolution that doesn’t go stale i vow: “I, Kelitu, aka Kels, aka Shimbahills finest, being of sound mind hereby proclaim that i will not be attending any Kenyan funkies for atleast 6 months. A time to which my system will have fully detoxed and decluttered from all things Kenyan. I promise to uphold this confession until the maximum sentence has been carried out.”

But just like a bad rash that is resistant to anti-biotics, i find myself being dragged into another on of these funkies (if it’s not a birthday, it’s a wedding, a baby shower-which have become like an epidemic lately- or it’s s fundraising of some sort.) After which i always leave with a bad taste in my mouth(and not because the drinks suck).

I have discovered that Kenyans, regardless of how long and far you stay away from them, will find a way of bounty-hunting you.

You go M.I.A for a few months and the first thing you get after resurfacing is: “Yaani Kelitu nowadays you are not feelings us eh?” “Umelost sana jo. You don’t come hangout with us. You don’t call people. Whose this jamma who has you under wraps like this, kwani you are dating a jungu ama an akata like this? Ama you have pandad bei and don’t wanna mingle with us?”
But of course being that i went to manners school, instead of yelling:”F**k off!!!” I smile politely and reply:”Niko tu. Busy, busy bana. Si you jua how this place just harakisha people.”
Then you have to spend the rest of the night ducking questions of what you’ve been up to since they saw you last Kwaanza.

I do not have the luxury of living the rural USA, where you can always blame it on some tornado blocking your path to hareez. I do live in suburbia, still try to duck and hide from wazalendo, but it’s hard man. Especially if you used to roll with them daily back in the day when you was a fresher, but now you have moved on.

Here’s a scenario i encountered lately:

I was invited to a bash and only went because the host is my good friend plus, there was promise of food.
I check in, say “wsup” to the usual hooligans i know and keep it moving. Grab a drink and start makelele with a galfriend i haven’t seen for a minute.

Everything is going on well. The music is on point, drinks flowing and everyone looks nice.

After a few hours, one guy approaches me and strikes up a conversation. Apparently i had we had met before at some other funkie but i couldn’t remember him. Then he start spiting bile of how i was feeling sweet for him the last time we met and i refused to give him my phone number. Immediately, i went into defense mode (spartan style) and told him that i do have a right as to who i give/ not give my number to.
You would think with the cold front i am throwing at him, he would get the hint and keep it moving to somewhere sunny and warm…Wapi?!!
He’s sticking around like glue.
He tries another lame attempt…again…to get my number, telling me that he just wants to say hi. I told him:”Well, aren’t you not here? Aren’t you not saying ‘Hi?’. What other ‘Hi’ is there that you wanna tell me?”
Then, seeing that he is not going to suceed to get my digits, flips the script and offer his. I told him strait-up: “I am not going to call you, so don’t.”


Dude got ticked off and went on his bile campaign. After he was done (coz i just looked at him make an ass of himself) i still held my ground…”nope don’t want your number and i won’t give you mine”.

The thing i do not get is why do men(most of them) think that just coz you are vibing a chic that you gotta get the digits? What ever happened to, “I have a choice to say no to you?”
It’s not about feeling hot or anything.If i’m not feeling you, i’m not feeling you. Why can’t you just understand that?

What’s the point of having my number and i will never pick up when you call(thanx to caller-id), or have your number and never call you?

I’m just trying to make things easy for the two of us. Don’t want to give you false hope that i will ever call. Why can’t you please just get off my ass and let me be!!


Posted by on March 24, 2007 in Uncategorized



The weekend’s here: Yay!

Sadly, it’s sleeting like a mutha: BOO!!

So i am jeting-off to sunny Hawaii for the weekend(in my mind), while i shovel the driveway and de-ice the car.

I do want someone out there in blog-world to answer this puzzling question: Why is it that people close their eyes when kissing? It’s funny how your eyes are open until your lips meet and then it’s like the eyes just automatically close! Is there a scientic reason for it or something?!

I did date a guy once who used to kiss me with his eyes open. I did not know of this disturbing behavior until one day, i happened to open my eyes to look at him while we were kissing and boom!- his eyes were all wide open and starring down at me. It was one hell of a creepy feeling! I quickly squeezed my eyes shut. I felt like i’d been caught stealing or something.

My M.O. is that i steal glances during the kissing, just see if he is enjoying it as much as i am.

So what about you? Share your experiences with me. I’d love to hear them.


Posted by on March 16, 2007 in Uncategorized


Beautiful Liar

Okay now i may not be B’s no. 1 fan but, i am digging this track- well coz shakira is in it(lets be honest).
p/s: i am signing up for belly dancing classes pronto!!!


Posted by on March 3, 2007 in Uncategorized