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Category Archives: Annoying

Getting it out of the way…

First of all, I am not a male basher. So before y’all get you knickers in a bunch…CHILL! These are my observations on my fellow Kenyans.

So here’s my grievances with some of y’all.

Anyone who has been in this country longer than 24 hours should already know that taking regular showers, using underarm deodorant, brushing teeth is a way of life.

So tell me why I was at a bbq over the weekend and people who came to this country even before the underground railroad was not yet completed still do not have the science of hygiene down pat.

Why is it that the rancid dude is the one hovering around like a moth to a flame, leaning in to talk this close II to your face?… ugh! The hugs are the worst, especially when the dude smells of such heavy sweat, (you know how it gets hell hot during the summer people) the one you can tell that drinking water is not part of his daily repertoire since your eyes are burning from catching a whiff of his “eau de natural” cologne.  The hugs are always extra long and tight. Then his scent rubs off on your clothes… so now you and smelly over there share a bond that only detergent can break.

I will never forget last summer, my friend dragged me out to a Kenyan party. It had a been a hot, humid day. Clearly everyone got the memo to go home and shower before coming out at night except this one dude. He was smelling of day old sweat, bbq smoke, fatigue & desperation… and to top it off…he was fat!! Talk about a quadruple threat! Dude was stanking up the area so bad and he had that “I don’t give a fugg” look about it.  My friend and I just shook our heads and moved over to the other side, far away. Y’all know how parties get mad hot before closing time, so you know by the time the night was a wrap, dude was ripe!! and if he got a scallywag for the night…  God bless the girl who had to gag on all that.

Okay another thing I can’t stand is the guessing game. Don’t roll up on me asking me to guess who you are.  I’m sitting at the bench (same bbq) chatting with my friend and her cute baby when this guy comes up and the conversation goes like this:

Dude: hi (mentions my name)

Me: *thinking to self, da hell is you?* Hi

Dude: so do you know me?

Me: nope *shakes head*

Dude: you don’t know me? I wrote you on face book a while back…

Me: nope *meanwhile my friend had turned the other way cause she can’t believe this bullshit  talk dude is giving me is alive and well in 2011*

Me: so who are you?

Dude: don’t worry you’ll soon find out. *walks away*

Okay seriously y’all, what nonsense is that… ill soon find out who is because he is next in line to be president, the pope, god…. WHO?!!

The same goes for text messaging. Don’t text me and ask me to guess who you are… why don’t people have phone etiquette?   I have had several of those and let’s just say, after asking back to back “who is this?” and not getting a proper response, I went off on them. Needless to say it’s been a while since they have called or texted. Last time I ran to two of them, they told me “aki you are a mkali.” No I’m not. If you have my phone number, use it don’t abuse it!

Another major gripe is attitude…

Dude who are you PMSing for?  Why are you all pissy at me like I owe you dick?

There are some men I’d rather not even have a conversation with (be it phone or even online) because it always ends up going off-track. So I stick to the ones who get my dry jokes and don’t take everything so damn seriously.

I love to laugh… a lot. But when I get some faux-bougie vibe from someone male/female where you are trying to come off like you are better than me or it’s a burden to talk with me… BYE! I quickly put you on the back burner. Imma need some of y’all to kindly dislodge the broom stick shoved way up y’alls behinds.

The other lot, is the bitch ass negroes… and I know plenty of them!! Men (Kenyans) who will not even come up and say hi because they “feel” there are in a different league either because they date white/other ( these guys will talk smack about Kenyan chics while praising whoever they are dating… ) umm yeah self-hate is a disease! Sadly, some of them I see some on my twitter timeline and just shake my head.  There’s this one guy who I met a few months ago, we were in the process of being friends but his cocky attitude was just turning me off big time…. That should be a blog entry in itself. So anyway back to the story. One day out of the blue, he hits me a “hey red bone!”  text.  I was like da hell is this nigglet trying? Dude you’re trying to red bone/yellow bone me as if that wins you extra brownie points? FOH!! Go use that messed up analogy on hoodrats.

Or worse… work some corporate job. Omg! Let me pause here and say… this is the worst lot I have ever met. You’d think the fortune 500 company they work for is located between their ass cheeks.  These are the people whose accent, has an accent. Like really… now you going to talk to me in your corporate tweng just because we both happen to be hanging out in some upscale restaurant? Most of the time, those are the ones working lower level positions in the company but booooyyyyyy, lemme tell you when you ask where he works, he can’t even finish putting the ‘tan’ in Manhattan . He rolls it out in such a way that leaves you scratching your head all ‘huh?’ like.

Sometimes I want to tell them, “Well, fuck you and that pseudo-high horse you stay riding…”

Alas, my chariot awaits.

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Get a clue or buy one.

Men, men, men. Can we talk?

Okay after conducting a small survey the results are in:

1) When we are sitting on the couch relaxing, talking, watching tv. It would be nice if you looked into my eyes more than once rather than staring at my breasts. It helps to know you better.

2) When it’s time for foreplay, gently caress the breasts. Don’t turn the nipples like radio dials, also while on the subject of nipples… Nipple does not equal breast. The whole mammary gland is the breast!!

3) Trimming and filing finger and toe nails is a MUST!! I was watching this jacked up kenyan porn the other day and the girl kept getting hurt by this guy who had long nails. C’mon y’all that is so not the business. Some of you men need to understand that once you cut your nails, you need to file the edges smooth to avoid ripping our soft skin. Nothing kills the mood faster than getting your feet macheted by some jacked up toes while your legs are tangled up with his.

4) If you don’t know you way  downtown, or once you get there, can’t find you way around. Ask for directions. Don’t be down there fumbling like you are looking for a light switch.

5) When it comes to doing the do. Here a tip for ya: Don’t ask us to call you daddy. Not every woman has father issues. Where do men get off wanting to be called daddy? Boy stop!!

6) While in the process of doing it, if we hit a dry patch, kindly exit and apply more lube. You spitting on us, or the condom, is a strait turn-off.

7) You strait jack-hammering us for 2 hours strait with no break in not the biz. Forget what the porn stars and penthouse book says, it’s annoying and we don’t like it!! What you trying to do? Fuck the coochie to death?!

8 ) After we are done, don’t ask, “So how was it? did you like it?  did you come?”  Weren’t you there?!! The hell you asking me for!

9) If you will be requiring head. Please be advised that you will need to trim and clean your region. Your penis looking like the keeper of the wig-crypt is not appealing. When it comes to cleaning, some y’all men are just nasty with it. You need to clean your ass before you pull down y’alls pants to get some service. Smelling like a dead racoon with your boxers round your ankles is disgusting!

10) It’s ’09 and yes women are becoming more and more open. So if we request a tossed salad- sans vinaigrette, don’t start rebuking the devil and pouring holy water on us just because we happen to like rear activity. So if you not going to do it, trust me, Jimmy from across town is the King of Salads, we will get ours.

To be continued…

 

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To fart or not to fart…

Now that is one loaded question.

Okay, so at what point do you get comfy farting in the presence of your significant other? I am not talking about married folk, coz after you say your I DO’s…  invest in a gas mask.

*insert Darth Vader breathing sound effects*

I heard some celeb say after 3 months, it’s okay to let it rip… but c’mon you know 3 months in celeb world= 5 years!!

It’s best to handle the biz in the bathroom but it’s kinda hard, esp when the two of you are kicking it.  You tend to keep going to the bathroom, let one out, come out and on the way back, feel the need to let out another one. So that’s where you get to squatting (while exhaling) in the bathroom and let all them little extra bubbles go.  Ahhhhh sweet relief!!

But sooner rather than later, once you get back to couch cuddling, you feel the need to gas up one more time. And now it’s annoying coz the movie can’t keep getting paused every time! So you hold it in till you feel the need to take a pee… not a good idea coz then a storm starts brewing… below. And it’s only a matter of time before disaster strikes. God forbid, a make out session starts while you are in this predicament and your thigh gets lifted….*explosion sound effects*

So i need your two cents in the gas jar….

How long does the charade need to last before the real weapons of mass destruction are unearthed?!

 
 

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Here’s the deal…

If you are going to do something, i need you to do it wholeheartedly!!!

I had this stalker, but now he is slacking on the job, and not stalking me the way a stalker is suppose to. I have to say, i ain’t pleased.

See this guy would be lurking waiting for me to pop up and then we would chat and talk and laugh and then i would off on my merry way. But for the last week i have noticed he has not been diligent.

Come to find out he done up and went and got himself a date. I mean what the hell??!!And he thinks this shit is cute, busy telling me “i think i done found the one, so i’m taking baby steps.”

*pukes*

If you are stalking someone, you do not have the time to be getting into relationships and junk, you are busy stalking. Boy am i steamed!! How are you suppose to give me 100% attention (wanted /unwanted) when you busy wining and dining other women??!!

Therefore, i’m putting the word out that i’m looking for a dedicated stalker who will give me his all. Blood, sweat and guts.  I need commitment y’all, some dedicated to the cause.

If this applies to you please do not hesitate to start stalking. I’m waiting…

 
5 Comments

Posted by on November 3, 2008 in Annoying, Rant, Relationships

 

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Thumbs down!!

So the Giants won SuperBowl last night. Big Friggin’ deal!!! They are still a bunch of clowns to me.

I can’t stnad them and i hope they never come close to winning EVER again.

Now with that said, i do have a huge headache that needs to be tendered to… with some painkillers and some vodka!

 
4 Comments

Posted by on February 4, 2008 in Annoying, I'll pass, thanx, Not today, sorry, Rant, Ugh!