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Category Archives: Rant

Getting it out of the way…

First of all, I am not a male basher. So before y’all get you knickers in a bunch…CHILL! These are my observations on my fellow Kenyans.

So here’s my grievances with some of y’all.

Anyone who has been in this country longer than 24 hours should already know that taking regular showers, using underarm deodorant, brushing teeth is a way of life.

So tell me why I was at a bbq over the weekend and people who came to this country even before the underground railroad was not yet completed still do not have the science of hygiene down pat.

Why is it that the rancid dude is the one hovering around like a moth to a flame, leaning in to talk this close II to your face?… ugh! The hugs are the worst, especially when the dude smells of such heavy sweat, (you know how it gets hell hot during the summer people) the one you can tell that drinking water is not part of his daily repertoire since your eyes are burning from catching a whiff of his “eau de natural” cologne.  The hugs are always extra long and tight. Then his scent rubs off on your clothes… so now you and smelly over there share a bond that only detergent can break.

I will never forget last summer, my friend dragged me out to a Kenyan party. It had a been a hot, humid day. Clearly everyone got the memo to go home and shower before coming out at night except this one dude. He was smelling of day old sweat, bbq smoke, fatigue & desperation… and to top it off…he was fat!! Talk about a quadruple threat! Dude was stanking up the area so bad and he had that “I don’t give a fugg” look about it.  My friend and I just shook our heads and moved over to the other side, far away. Y’all know how parties get mad hot before closing time, so you know by the time the night was a wrap, dude was ripe!! and if he got a scallywag for the night…  God bless the girl who had to gag on all that.

Okay another thing I can’t stand is the guessing game. Don’t roll up on me asking me to guess who you are.  I’m sitting at the bench (same bbq) chatting with my friend and her cute baby when this guy comes up and the conversation goes like this:

Dude: hi (mentions my name)

Me: *thinking to self, da hell is you?* Hi

Dude: so do you know me?

Me: nope *shakes head*

Dude: you don’t know me? I wrote you on face book a while back…

Me: nope *meanwhile my friend had turned the other way cause she can’t believe this bullshit  talk dude is giving me is alive and well in 2011*

Me: so who are you?

Dude: don’t worry you’ll soon find out. *walks away*

Okay seriously y’all, what nonsense is that… ill soon find out who is because he is next in line to be president, the pope, god…. WHO?!!

The same goes for text messaging. Don’t text me and ask me to guess who you are… why don’t people have phone etiquette?   I have had several of those and let’s just say, after asking back to back “who is this?” and not getting a proper response, I went off on them. Needless to say it’s been a while since they have called or texted. Last time I ran to two of them, they told me “aki you are a mkali.” No I’m not. If you have my phone number, use it don’t abuse it!

Another major gripe is attitude…

Dude who are you PMSing for?  Why are you all pissy at me like I owe you dick?

There are some men I’d rather not even have a conversation with (be it phone or even online) because it always ends up going off-track. So I stick to the ones who get my dry jokes and don’t take everything so damn seriously.

I love to laugh… a lot. But when I get some faux-bougie vibe from someone male/female where you are trying to come off like you are better than me or it’s a burden to talk with me… BYE! I quickly put you on the back burner. Imma need some of y’all to kindly dislodge the broom stick shoved way up y’alls behinds.

The other lot, is the bitch ass negroes… and I know plenty of them!! Men (Kenyans) who will not even come up and say hi because they “feel” there are in a different league either because they date white/other ( these guys will talk smack about Kenyan chics while praising whoever they are dating… ) umm yeah self-hate is a disease! Sadly, some of them I see some on my twitter timeline and just shake my head.  There’s this one guy who I met a few months ago, we were in the process of being friends but his cocky attitude was just turning me off big time…. That should be a blog entry in itself. So anyway back to the story. One day out of the blue, he hits me a “hey red bone!”  text.  I was like da hell is this nigglet trying? Dude you’re trying to red bone/yellow bone me as if that wins you extra brownie points? FOH!! Go use that messed up analogy on hoodrats.

Or worse… work some corporate job. Omg! Let me pause here and say… this is the worst lot I have ever met. You’d think the fortune 500 company they work for is located between their ass cheeks.  These are the people whose accent, has an accent. Like really… now you going to talk to me in your corporate tweng just because we both happen to be hanging out in some upscale restaurant? Most of the time, those are the ones working lower level positions in the company but booooyyyyyy, lemme tell you when you ask where he works, he can’t even finish putting the ‘tan’ in Manhattan . He rolls it out in such a way that leaves you scratching your head all ‘huh?’ like.

Sometimes I want to tell them, “Well, fuck you and that pseudo-high horse you stay riding…”

Alas, my chariot awaits.

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You know what?!

I’m tired!

Tired of feeling guilty… no wait, tired of you making me feel guilty.

I apologised and apologised but it’s like you want to hold it over me, raking me over the coals over and over again…

and i can’t take it anymore!!!!

So now, i’m done because i know that i will never make you happy nor will you ever trust me. I have to move on with my life.

I would have taken you back but written words speak louder than actions.

Hopefully, the next women will make you more happy and secure than i did.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on November 4, 2009 in Rant, Relationships

 

Get a clue or buy one.

Men, men, men. Can we talk?

Okay after conducting a small survey the results are in:

1) When we are sitting on the couch relaxing, talking, watching tv. It would be nice if you looked into my eyes more than once rather than staring at my breasts. It helps to know you better.

2) When it’s time for foreplay, gently caress the breasts. Don’t turn the nipples like radio dials, also while on the subject of nipples… Nipple does not equal breast. The whole mammary gland is the breast!!

3) Trimming and filing finger and toe nails is a MUST!! I was watching this jacked up kenyan porn the other day and the girl kept getting hurt by this guy who had long nails. C’mon y’all that is so not the business. Some of you men need to understand that once you cut your nails, you need to file the edges smooth to avoid ripping our soft skin. Nothing kills the mood faster than getting your feet macheted by some jacked up toes while your legs are tangled up with his.

4) If you don’t know you way  downtown, or once you get there, can’t find you way around. Ask for directions. Don’t be down there fumbling like you are looking for a light switch.

5) When it comes to doing the do. Here a tip for ya: Don’t ask us to call you daddy. Not every woman has father issues. Where do men get off wanting to be called daddy? Boy stop!!

6) While in the process of doing it, if we hit a dry patch, kindly exit and apply more lube. You spitting on us, or the condom, is a strait turn-off.

7) You strait jack-hammering us for 2 hours strait with no break in not the biz. Forget what the porn stars and penthouse book says, it’s annoying and we don’t like it!! What you trying to do? Fuck the coochie to death?!

8 ) After we are done, don’t ask, “So how was it? did you like it?  did you come?”  Weren’t you there?!! The hell you asking me for!

9) If you will be requiring head. Please be advised that you will need to trim and clean your region. Your penis looking like the keeper of the wig-crypt is not appealing. When it comes to cleaning, some y’all men are just nasty with it. You need to clean your ass before you pull down y’alls pants to get some service. Smelling like a dead racoon with your boxers round your ankles is disgusting!

10) It’s ’09 and yes women are becoming more and more open. So if we request a tossed salad- sans vinaigrette, don’t start rebuking the devil and pouring holy water on us just because we happen to like rear activity. So if you not going to do it, trust me, Jimmy from across town is the King of Salads, we will get ours.

To be continued…

 

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Here’s the deal…

If you are going to do something, i need you to do it wholeheartedly!!!

I had this stalker, but now he is slacking on the job, and not stalking me the way a stalker is suppose to. I have to say, i ain’t pleased.

See this guy would be lurking waiting for me to pop up and then we would chat and talk and laugh and then i would off on my merry way. But for the last week i have noticed he has not been diligent.

Come to find out he done up and went and got himself a date. I mean what the hell??!!And he thinks this shit is cute, busy telling me “i think i done found the one, so i’m taking baby steps.”

*pukes*

If you are stalking someone, you do not have the time to be getting into relationships and junk, you are busy stalking. Boy am i steamed!! How are you suppose to give me 100% attention (wanted /unwanted) when you busy wining and dining other women??!!

Therefore, i’m putting the word out that i’m looking for a dedicated stalker who will give me his all. Blood, sweat and guts.  I need commitment y’all, some dedicated to the cause.

If this applies to you please do not hesitate to start stalking. I’m waiting…

 
5 Comments

Posted by on November 3, 2008 in Annoying, Rant, Relationships

 

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AOB

One of my good friends is having aa small get-together later on this week and informed me that some trifling trick who used to be my good pal back in the day will make in appearance.
Ugh!! Words cannot begin to describe how i can’t stand this bitch! She is those jealous, catty, fake-ass people that i can’t stand. I don’t know why my friend is inviting her over when she has talked about her like a dog.

I trust there will be lots of fake-smiling and Internal eye-rolling going on!!

As long as she stays the hell out of my way, things will be cool. One false move or snide remark and i’ll cut her with the butter knife!!

*exhales*

Wooooossaahhhhh!!!!!

 
4 Comments

Posted by on August 4, 2008 in Rant, Sigh

 

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Case of the B-C.

With Earth Day behind me, i can go back to slinging grease. Does the environment some good.

So we all have them, Bitchy-catty friends. If you don’t, then maybe you are the the Bitchy-Catty. Check.

Part of being in a new relationship, is letting your old, and not-so-old flames know that it’s a wrap.
Don’t be calling or texting my phone at 11pm on any random night trying to get some ass. No thanx, Kels done closed shop!

One male friend in particular is or maybe taking it a bit hard. If not, then he falls in the B-C category.
Right after i told him about my change in marital status(lol!).
His calls to me have changed drastically.
Right after the greetings he is like,”Urm, did i catch you at a bad time? Are in the middle of something or someone?”
It was funny the first time, but now it’s just plain annoying.

Take Saturday for instance.
He called me at 10 am in the morning.
Who calls you at that hour except your mom?! (my boyfriend does not even have that pass!!)
I answered the phone in a bored monotone. He quickly jumps to the conclusion that he is interrupting some morning glory of some sort (and i ain’t talking about the church kind).
I had to tell him that i am at work and hence the bored tone.
Then he goes on to ask me why am not out of town visiting my boyfriend. Who the hell died and made him the Minister of Transportation?
Of which i told him that is non-ya: None ya bizness. You don’t keep my sex schedule.

So, he gets to the point of his call…some BS that i could have done without.
Then tells me that since he is getting into work, he will call me later.

In my mind, I’m thinking later is like in the next 2 weeks or so.
How wrong was i??!!

I swear his redial was working overtime, because he called me ten minutes later, of which i didn’t bother to pick up and then 2 hours later, i ignored that too.
Then he called again at around 6pm.
I picked up, that was such a wrong move.

So he starts going on about how he was reminiscing about the wonderful time we had had together. I just laughed and told him to live on them memories.
He turns around and asks if i would be willing to give him another go ‘for old time sake’.
Who the hell does he think he is Freddie Jackson?!!

I politely decline and then he keeps pushing the issue, adding up scenarios that i know would never happen even under the strongest hallucinating drug. I still kept telling him “NO!”
Then he said, “Aki you, you are bad.”
I asked “Why am i bad?”
“Si, you have refused to come for my bash on Memorial Weekend and i have personally invited you.”
“Now why would i wanna come over, i told you i got plans.”
“I had invited you last year and you has semad that you would make it. I see your mano is getting a lot of your time.”
“Well, last time i checked you have a mama so what why you buggin’?!”

Before he could respond, i cut him off and told him that i had to get ready to go out.

On Sunday, he sends me a text. Sensing i would not want to talk to him. Asking how my day is. I told him that i was back from a late lunch early dinner (of course i didn’t say with who). Then he texts back “You mean you man is mtaani?”
I didn’t even bother to respond.
I think he got the message.

My good friend, whom i share most of my goings on with, couldn’t believe it when i told her. She was like “Oh he is sooo pathetic. And the way i had given him marks for being grown. Thank God you are not dealing with him.”

My friend also think that I’m too passive.

Am i?! Should i have jumped on his throat, cussed his ass out and stuff?! I like to give someone enuff rope to hang themselves, so to speak.
I have no feelings whatsoever left in regards to him or what we sorta had. Why let him get under my skin? He is soo not worth it.

 
7 Comments

Posted by on April 23, 2008 in Iz Bilaz, Rant

 

I’m done…

…With being green!

Tired of all that light-energy-saving, green-be-the new-black, making-my-blog-look-like-something-i-had-for-lunch bull-ish.

Dammit i want something FAT and GREASY and i want it NOOOOWWWWW!!!!

 
12 Comments

Posted by on April 3, 2008 in Diet Diaries, Rant