Get a clue or buy one.

Men, men, men. Can we talk?

Okay after conducting a small survey the results are in:

1) When we are sitting on the couch relaxing, talking, watching tv. It would be nice if you looked into my eyes more than once rather than staring at my breasts. It helps to know you better.

2) When it’s time for foreplay, gently caress the breasts. Don’t turn the nipples like radio dials, also while on the subject of nipples… Nipple does not equal breast. The whole mammary gland is the breast!!

3) Trimming and filing finger and toe nails is a MUST!! I was watching this jacked up kenyan porn the other day and the girl kept getting hurt by this guy who had long nails. C’mon y’all that is so not the business. Some of you men need to understand that once you cut your nails, you need to file the edges smooth to avoid ripping our soft skin. Nothing kills the mood faster than getting your feet macheted by some jacked up toes while your legs are tangled up with his.

4) If you don’t know you way  downtown, or once you get there, can’t find you way around. Ask for directions. Don’t be down there fumbling like you are looking for a light switch.

5) When it comes to doing the do. Here a tip for ya: Don’t ask us to call you daddy. Not every woman has father issues. Where do men get off wanting to be called daddy? Boy stop!!

6) While in the process of doing it, if we hit a dry patch, kindly exit and apply more lube. You spitting on us, or the condom, is a strait turn-off.

7) You strait jack-hammering us for 2 hours strait with no break in not the biz. Forget what the porn stars and penthouse book says, it’s annoying and we don’t like it!! What you trying to do? Fuck the coochie to death?!

8 ) After we are done, don’t ask, “So how was it? did you like it?  did you come?”  Weren’t you there?!! The hell you asking me for!

9) If you will be requiring head. Please be advised that you will need to trim and clean your region. Your penis looking like the keeper of the wig-crypt is not appealing. When it comes to cleaning, some y’all men are just nasty with it. You need to clean your ass before you pull down y’alls pants to get some service. Smelling like a dead racoon with your boxers round your ankles is disgusting!

10) It’s ’09 and yes women are becoming more and more open. So if we request a tossed salad- sans vinaigrette, don’t start rebuking the devil and pouring holy water on us just because we happen to like rear activity. So if you not going to do it, trust me, Jimmy from across town is the King of Salads, we will get ours.

To be continued…

 

What say you?

I was reading this article on how pro-athletes get plenty of play ass a result of… well being a pro-athlete. You could be buck-tooth ugly and just because you are a pro, women will be fawning all over you and even tell you how they would love to suck on your buck tooth cause it’s all sexy and stuff!!

Groupies are in every aspect of society, it’s the amount that varies. So don’t think it’s only Kobe who is getting ass, the chupa na ndebe guy is as well (on a small scale though).

The groupies are tenacious in trying to snag themselves a baller.

It must be hard to remain faithful, don’t you think? If you are getting women throwing themselves at you CONSTANTLY, every where you go!!! And you know these women come dressed in next-to-nothing type of clothing and are more than willing to bend over and show you a sample sale of the goodies even before you decide if you wanna be with her or not.

If you got approached by women/ men (i am being liberal here!)  who have killa bodies with food-stamp faces (aka butta face), would you budge? If she was hot body and face except for the ashy elbows and knees, you’d you give her a second glance?

Now my question to you is, are you as faithful as your options?

 

Don’t click if you are easily offended!!

LMAO!!!

Please, this is strait up X-rated talk…. NSFW!!!!

Hillarious….NSFW!!!!

Hillarious 2… NSFW!!

 

To fart or not to fart…

Now that is one loaded question.

Okay, so at what point do you get comfy farting in the presence of your significant other? I am not talking about married folk, coz after you say your I DO’s…  invest in a gas mask.

*insert Darth Vader breathing sound effects*

I heard some celeb say after 3 months, it’s okay to let it rip… but c’mon you know 3 months in celeb world= 5 years!!

It’s best to handle the biz in the bathroom but it’s kinda hard, esp when the two of you are kicking it.  You tend to keep going to the bathroom, let one out, come out and on the way back, feel the need to let out another one. So that’s where you get to squatting (while exhaling) in the bathroom and let all them little extra bubbles go.  Ahhhhh sweet relief!!

But sooner rather than later, once you get back to couch cuddling, you feel the need to gas up one more time. And now it’s annoying coz the movie can’t keep getting paused every time! So you hold it in till you feel the need to take a pee… not a good idea coz then a storm starts brewing… below. And it’s only a matter of time before disaster strikes. God forbid, a make out session starts while you are in this predicament and your thigh gets lifted….*explosion sound effects*

So i need your two cents in the gas jar….

How long does the charade need to last before the real weapons of mass destruction are unearthed?!

 

Can you hear me- part duex

Fellow bloggers and lurkers, i would like to know….

Is there anyone who enjoys a woman being loud during sex and just how loud can she go?

Don’t be shy to mention past/current encounters with the loud and the not so loud.

 

Can you hear me now?

If you grew up like i did…in an African family setting (mud and grass thatched house, the scrawny-ever-hungry dog and the chickens with no hair on their necks) then you do understand where i am coming from with this…

The phone, the home-phone for that matter, was the 3rd most sacred piece of equipment in the house (after the Radio and colored Tv- most priced possession to date!!).

If and when the phone rang, life came to a standstill. With baited breath waiting to hear the response after the “hallo?”
Plus your small bro or sis beat you to it after the second ring, then proceeding to throwing them the dirty look.
Of course you would be dissapointed if it wasn’t your call (thanx to having no caller I.D.) Which makes me wonder the names that would pop up on the screen if we did. I shudder to imagine my 3rd cousin removed twice, mother’s sister husband twin calling to ask for money to come to Nai.

But i digress.

In short, i grew up respecting the phone.

Now imagine my shock when my boyfriend, a while back suggests that we indulge in Phone-sex.

“???!!!!” was what was going on in my mind.

I knew people did it and but had no clue as to how it’s really done.
I mean do i tell him am in sexy Victoria Secret lingere, while in reality i got on my Hanes 3-in-a-pack, tidy-whitey granny underwear with the no-roll waist band (okay seriously, why is that like band 5 inches thick??).

I told him that i was clueless, then he proceeds to tell me that it’s supposed to be virtual sex. I gasped!

“You mean that i actually have to *ahem* on the phone with you listening??”
“Ahh, yeah” he says laughing.

Now, i was thinking, if this was happening in the home setting (as detailed above), how in the world would that pop-off.
Lack of privacy is an understatement.
Case in point:

*The house-gal (maid) keeps passing back and forth with meals and clanking dishes. That is if you have a hallway phone, woe unto you if you only have the one located in the living room. Then she will ask loudly enuff that your sex-operator on the other side will hear, “Kelitu bado unata uji?”

*Mom has picked up the phone to call the neighbor/ best friend to gossip just in time to hear your man say “…then i want lick you slowly and hear you moan.” You know your ass is sleeping under the freeway… and we don’t even have those.

* One of your siblings wants to use the phone or worse, is waiting for a call. So they are constantly tapping your shoulder, or clearing their throat while tapping their wrists with their fingers ‘ati time, time’ (you know we ain’t got call-waiting).

Not that cell phone are better but, c’mon, it beats having that cord tangling you up as we as being tethered to that old dusty rotary phone…(ama we are the only ones who had that one as well?)

How did the hot-line loving go you ask?!

*big toothy grin* …says it all.