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Monthly Archives: April 2006

The Visit

Oh! What a crazy several days it has been. I have been soo busy running up and down trying to make her royal highness- mother- feel at home. Yes momma’s in town!!

So i have turned into a 24-7 butler, cook, chauffeur, tour guide and maid. I am as tired as a runaway slave!

Mother’s visit was not a surprise, actually i knew about it 3 months in advance. It wasn’t until she finally arrived that it finally hit me- this ish is for real!!

What is it about parents- esp moms that make you(a grown ass man/woman) feel like an 8 year old? I have been busy putting things in and about my life in order or rather on lockdown. Let it be know that my mom is a God-fearing woman and anything remotely demonic, she is not afraid to kemea it.

Here are some of the things that have had to change drastically:

  • Been looking for a Christian radio station in my car radio since i am her full-time driver bila benefits. I tell you where is Waumini FM when you need it?! I am always on those non-stop hip-hop stations or listening to genge. I resulted to buying some Ron Kenoly and Don Moen CD’s. Haki if one of y’all owns a Munishi CD or even tape-will take anything at this point- i highly appreciate.

  • My TV ADD is coming to a halt. I have 2 telis in the house but we have to sit together and watch one and she is not appreciating my channel surfing ways. “Ebu nione hiyo commercial” is her mantra now. Also i had to put a password on some channels- BET to be exact- Lord know what she would say if she saw all that booty shaking.

  • There are changes in the sleeping department as well. I can no longer wear something sexy to bed (sleepwear entitles a slip with no panties- love to be unrestricted). Manze i had to go buy some serious cotton pj’s. I feel like a mono back in high school. WTH?! All i need is a bad mattress and pillow to match.

  • My weekend pleasure, going to Barnes and Nobles and reading Hustler or King Magazine is no more. I am now walking right past them and heading for the T.D Jakes section. How can one explain to one’s parent what you are trying to get out of a magazine who’s front cover has a heavy-bottom chick in something that would make dental floss look like a priestly robe?

  • Oh and forget all that self- pleasure business. Gone are the days of enjoying walking around the crib naked eating ice-cream. Or laying on the couch and getting to know myself better…Ahem! LOL!! Thank goodness i don’t own a rabbit- i cannot talk myself out of that mess if she ever found one. So, i am officially operating from the shower, which is kind of hard coz boy if i miss a step, slip and fall. Nitasema nilikuwa niki-do nini?!

  • And no more booty calls, phone sex or sleeping out. I am going diggz strait after work- no funny business. The lady is silently keeping a timer: how long i am on the phone, what time the call came in, am i whispering and speaking in cryptic codes, asks what time i get off work every other day. I tell you this lady should have worked for the KGB…

Now before y’all paint me with the ‘crazy-daughter’ brush. My mom and i have taken a step back and reviewed our relationship. We no longer fight each other and she forgave me for giving her countless headaches with boys,booze and clubbing when growing up. I forgave her for the times she threw me out of the house- yes it got to that on several occasions but i refused to leave the diggz. LOL! May blog about it someday. I am no longer that wild rebellious teen- no for real though. I done grown into a very responsible lady- still a freak but responsible.

On the positive side, at least i finally have someone waiting for me after a long day’s work, oh and a hot plate of cooked food (not those TV dinners that i am famous for). It’s not going to be that bad, for the next few weeks. We have become very good friends and she is one person always on my corner cheering me on.

LOVE HER!!

Therefore i am willing to compromise on some things. One thing i will not be changing is my greeting. I am not switching from “hey how ya doin” to “Bwana asifiwe sana.” Momma please, ebu chill and let me be.

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19 Comments

Posted by on April 29, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

Proud to be a mwananchi!!

 
11 Comments

Posted by on April 25, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

Blog’d

Inspired by the hit show punk’d, i decided to blog someone(KBW finest- Nicholas Gichu) instead of punk them.

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and is generated strictly for laughs.

Nick’s real age is 32 but keeps insisting on being 27. Truth be told, mother nature has been kind to him. He is sort of a late bloomer. He could easily pass for 25 since he doesn’t own much facial hair, has a scrawny looking and neither is he sporting the famous beer belly that is prevalent in his age-group buddies. It’s all good for Gich boy.

So, how does he pull off the “I’m 27 years old” scam? Simple: he owns a real-fake ID. Real in that it has nick’s real photo and name, fake in that it says place of birth to be Gatundu when in reality it’s Machakos, but lets keep that on the DL for now.

Nick has one MAJOR obsession: Spider-man! Not just the movies and the comic books, nope it’s the whole shebang. He own the spiderman mug, lunch-box (which he claims will earn in a good profit on e-bay one day), t-shirts, bed sheets (yes he does!). Anything spidey, he’s got.

His obsession started at a young age. Actually right after his folks thought that he was going a little bit carried away with his then obsession: Danger Mouse. Having the t-shirt was fine, but after he started insisting on having the red telephone and hydrant props as well as miniature bombs, folks had to think fast and bought him tons of Marvel comics which he still has to date.

His room is also tricked out in the spider-man theme.He earns good cheese, but he has refused to move out of his parents esq. He moved in after coming back from college on the pretext of being a broke grad tarmarcking but 10 years later, he is in no hurry to pack up and leave. He alwasy considers himself the ‘shadow-minister of security’. Making sure that the watchies do what they are supposed to, including washing his latest ride: VW Jetta-which has received the goverment’s highest award for front and side crash testing, but does he say?!

Let’s enter his room or “The Spider Web” as he so fondly calls it.

The walls are painted in blue and red and spiderman posters are posted all over them, except for his ‘Hero’s wall’ where he proudly displays his Rambo, Rocky, Commando and Scarface posters.
He has his bed painted red as well and every weekend, he covers it with his Spiderman comforter.
On the ceiling, is a web-like goo which he got courtesy of Milo(who annually attends the Comic conference in Las Vegas). It also glows in the dark!
Nick likes to sport his Spider-man jump suit. It may have shrunk due to frequent washing but that does not deter him one bit. The arms may be reaching his elbows and the pants are now effecting a ‘biker’ look since they are up to his calves (zgwembez), but don’t tell him to give it to his younger cousins, nope it’s his weekend get-up. While he finishes straighting up his room, he is listening to his favourite group on his i-pod: Katitu Boys (he is a closet fan).

There’s a knock on the door and enter his long long long-suffering girfriend: Njeri. She is a beatiful gal with long gorgeous hair, she works for a printing company in the city. They have been together since their 3rd year in college. Njeri has been thru it all with Nick, from the incident where he did not have enough money to pay for their dinner in a 3 -star restaurant that resulted in Nick having to stay behind to peel potaoes. To when they had to walk to the nearest bus-stop in the pouring rain after the car Nick had borrowed from his buddy-for flossing purposes only- stalled on the higway after a nite-out. Njeri has decided to kick him to the curb, but when he showed up at her doorstep the next day with a dozen roses, 2 teddy bears(one said “I’m sorry” the other “I love You”) and cans of chicken soup to nurse her back to health from the chill, her heart melted and forgot the break-up speech she had been rehearsing.

“Hey Babie, wassup?!” she quips cheerily
“Nothing much, chilling.” he replys and quickly forwards his i-pod playlist to Greenday.

Njeri is already come to terms that Nick will never give up his Spiderman ways, so she stopped nagging him about it.
She sits on the bed and Nick follows her and assumes the ‘lounge-mode” position: back aganist the wall and feet on the egde of the bed.

“Ewww. Nick when was the last time you clipped your toe nails?! They look nasty!!” Njeri exclaims.
“Si the last time you clipped them.” he replys lazily.
“Babe that was 3 months ago. Don’t they bother you?”
“Nope, i’m not a chick. No one sees my toes. I am in socks all the time and besides they are not that long.”
“You know i can’t stand them. I will clip them.”

Njeri gets up and looks for the nail-clippper and finds it where she left it 3 months ago. Picks up the newspaper -from the stack that is behind the door- and comes back to bed.
(Nick considers himself an upcoming poet and keeps old newspapers so that he can get his poetic mojo after reading the comic “Love is…”)

“Aii babie, that’s why i love you.” Nick proclaims. “You take very good care of me.”
“Mmmh- hmmm.” Njeri replys.
“I’m serious babe. Were it not for you, i don’t know where i would be.” He then proceeds to belt out his favourite tune”Coz you are deadly, shapely, sexy, especially…”

Njeri smiles and continues clipping away. “Hey babie, you know jana i went for Betty bridal shower and it was off the chain.”

Warning bell go off in Nick head: Danger danger!

Njeri goes on for about 5 minutes talking about the bridal shower. “…so babe when do you think we can get married?”
“Eh?!” Nick asks. “Babe, si we are like married?”
“No i mean, the whole thing, i want to be married in a church, white dress, cake and my cucu’s have to sing for me in the background.”

Silence

“Oh i see you don’t want to marry me eh? All this time i have been wasting here with you!” Njeri is close to tears.
“Sweetie, it’s not like that. Of course i will marry you. It’s just that us jammaz don’t view marriage the same way you chick do. We are very analytical. K has to remain constant while the other variables change…”
“Now what nonsense is that your saying. Are you trying to talk your way out of a commitment? Njeri angrily asks. “Coz i was watching this show and it got me thinking…”
“Babie, Babie, babie.” Nick quickly jumps in.”I told you not to listen to Oprah’s advice, she has refused to marry Steadman.”
“I am not talking about Oprah, Nick.” Njeri snaps back.
“Sawa not Oprah, but Tyra is no better either, she is a supermodel. What does she know about marriage?”
Njeri sighs.”Not it’s not Tyra either.”
“Then which show is this that has you soo upset babie” he asks with a puzzled look on his face.”
Njeri turns to Nick and says slowly.” The Bachelor.”
Nick bursts out laughing.” Babe, the bachelor is a fake show. Don’t beleive anything they do.”
“But it’s a reality show. How can it be fake?”
“Coz those guys never marry any of the chicks they choose. Aiii babie, wacha mambo ya rose-giving ceremony. I am the real deal”

Njeri sighs.

Nick quickly changes the topic. “Babe did i tell you i won the Kaybee awards for the coolest blog.”
“Ati what?!”Who is this KB? Is she a chick? Coz if she is the reason you don’t want to marry me, i swear i will leave you!!” Njeri states with a dead look in her eyes.

Noticing that he has let out a major secret about his personal life. Nick quickly retracts his statement.

“Babe Kaybee are these awards we have at jobo for jammaz. So they awarded me with the coolest dude award”
“So what did they give you?” she asks
“Nothing really” he replies “Just the title.”
“Let me get this strait, you won an award and you got nothing to show for it?” she asks
“Babe it’s the title that counts.” Nick says.

Njeri bursts out laughing.

‘Don’t laugh, i’m cool. And to show you how cool i am, i’m going to take you to that new joint in town and everything is on me.” Nick says boastfully.
“Sawa, let’s go.”

After a quick jump in the shower. Nick appears all refreshed and energized.

When they pull off the drive way, Njeri looks at Nick and says.”Honestly i do not know why i’m still in love with you.”
“I know why.” Nick replies confidently.
“Oh yeah. Why?”
Nick breaks out into a song.” Megarider-aaaa. I gotta a megarider-aaa.”

 
14 Comments

Posted by on April 22, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

Holiday Nostalgia

I have absolutely nothing to report about this past Easter. Holidays up here really don’t count as much. It was just like any other weekend to me, only difference was that i got a chance to eat more than usual on Sunday.

I miss the pomp that went with sikukuu’s back in the day(when i was in primo), all the cooking, chapoz, kuku choma. The kreti za soda that my bro or uncle would bring, ( i swear it use to be like the 2nd coming of Christ) what a delight, i use to run for Krest!

I love the rave …or rather used to (when i was in High school and campus)…trust me i used to count how many ‘Super-souls’ there were in a year and i would jipanga how i was going to convince my mum to let me go out. You see my mum did not believe in the rave (it was the devil’s den according to her). So if she allowed me to go out on Friday, she did not see the importance of going out on Saturday. She would ask “Kwani ni music gani hii inchezwa uko hakushiba jana?!” So i had to get slick with her. Ooh and that thing of going to relaz so that we could eventually head out never worked in our home. If relaz are going to be visited it will be during the day. Mum had this thing of wanting to be informed in advance that you wanted to go out over the weekend, so that she could come up with a reason as to why you shouldn’t go (i swear i ponyokad writing a thesis as to why i would want to rave…). So i had to go all hard on her. I would shower, dress up and let her know that i was going to carnivore (the only rave she knew) when in fact i was going the opposite direction.

All those lies we used to tell each other when we were doing our KCSE ati, “I’m under Yusuf…” I guess that was our Kenyan version of saying, “I’m grown.” LMAO! Hey, we had to do what we needed to do…

One of the craziest super-soul i have EVER had was one that fell the same day as my birthday. I hooked up with my cousins,(for once in my life my folks allowed me to go for a ‘sleep-over’ we begged for about 2 weeks, we had to promise that we were not going to the rave…thank goodness no-one pulled out a Bible to swear upon).

Saturday, we hit out the club scene. Of course i was using the line”It’s my Birthday!” So i was getting free drinks or as people like to say…kupewa lol! Before long a particular guy caught my eye (and what they say about women looking pretty after 2am and a dozen drinks later defiantely applied to this guy). We started flirting with each other. I stepped up to him (coz i’m bold like that, plus drunk as a skunk) told him i was digging him and would like to go check him out… So here i am, busy nibbling his ear and his girlfriend was seated next to him!! I know i know, my drunk ass ponyokad a beat-down either that or she was also on the down-low as well, coz she wasn’t at all bothered with me being there.

I told the guy to meet me outside. Fifteen minutes later the dude appeared and we got to rubbing shamelessly at the door of the club (okay kids stay away from drugs). We took off and went behind a car and as we continued kissing i noticed he kept putting his fingers(the fore-fingers) into my ears…i’m like WTH?! Is that supposed to turn me on?! I kept removing his fingers but he would still go back…argghh!!
So in the heat of passion, i tell him to unleash what he is packing…DAMN!!! That was the SMALLEST penis i have ever encountered!! I had to do a double take…WTH?!! Anyway he was already out and i was like mmh…haijalishi…lemme proceed. (I know, alcohol is a mother) . He did not last long (thank God) that and plus i couldn’t feel nothing. Then he goes like he wants to go down on me…HELL NAW!! I blew him off and told him it wasn’t that important. So he goes like “Si we hook up tomorrow in carni then i will come with protection and we can hit the skins…?” I was like, “Sawa” and we went back inside.

Come Sunday when we headed off to carni, i had completely forgotten about the pint-sized guy, (please i was in such a haze the night before who would have remembered?). I hooked up with my pals who were busy buying shots outside. So after knocking back several sambuca shots, my head was in the right space. As i was stumbling along i got grabbed from behind…ala it’s the dude from the previous night. He is like sooo excited to see me and he goes like, “I left my gal at home and i came with condoms. I am all set”. I was like, “So?! I am not in the mood man.”
“But i told my chick to stay home so that i could be with you?”
“Ha, tough luck buddy, i gotta go.” I then proceeded to holla at a pal who was across the lawn, yaani those village hollaz “Psst, psst nanio…you! is of how?!” Left the guy mataa.

I was thinking that i shook the guy off…wapi? He was hunting for me the whole night, up to a point where i was busy ducking and weaving when i went outside. Finally he caught up with me, holding me around the waist and trying to kiss me and whatnot. I was soooo not feeling him at this point and since i had a drink in my hand i poured it on his back. He was sooo shocked he could not come up with an epithet.I walked away without looking back(yes it’s by God’s grace he did not wipe his shirt with my face).

I went back to my cousins and decided i was better off hanging out with them, incase beef breaks-out i was in good hands.

As fate would have it…or rather slap me one in the face, I did meet up with the guy…yes i did… in broad daylight!! I tried to hide but it was those streets where it was just the two of us approaching each other from opposite directions and turning around would look kaudu suspicious. I said greeted him and chatted a bit (I was suprised he remembered me). He wanted another date, uh-uh! I wasn’t about to do THAT rematch, he is better off with his chick.lol!

Aaah! The joys & perils of Holiday drinking back in the day…nothing like it i tell you, nothing like it!

 
10 Comments

Posted by on April 18, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

Dirty talk

Does talking dirty turn you on?

I know a few people who get turned on when their significant other talk nasty to them either before or during intercourse.

I don’t mind dirty talk, not that it turns me on…naahh. I just wanna hear how your game flows. I had this guy who’s best line he could come up with was, “I’mma f**k you like a rabbit.” lol!(Yes this was during sex). Yaani i bursted out laughing and he got mad ati i wanted him to make a fool of himself… kijana you are doing a good job all by yourself! We ended breaking up, maybe i shouldn’t have laughed all the time we got together after incident, but i could not help myself.

There a limit to the amount of dirty words you can dish out during sex. I am not a fan of guys who break out in the B-word, S-word and swearing like a sailor. WTH?! And don’t give me that lie that you can’t climax until you spit out a cuss word…I am not having you insult me with my ass buck-naked in mid-air. At least wait till the did is done…ala!

So if your talk skills are not that good, it always helps to be polite.

  • Be nice and compliment me(you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that mamaz love being complimented). It does a woman good to be told that she is more beautiful when naked.
  • Be realistic. Don’t comparing my ass to Beyonce’s…gimme a break!!You might talk yourself out of some ass.

I’m not a fan of being katiwad in swa. And worse dirty talk in swa…WTH?! Before you break out into that famous tune “Kiswahili kitukuzwe, kwani ni lugha ya taifa…” I love swahili, but in a regular conversation type of setting. When it comes to bedroom dialogue, oh hell to the naw!!. I mean what do you want me to break out in, a thong or a kamusi?!

Seriously, i’m not knocking off your hassle if your from coast or TZ. Your probably good at your game. But man, if you is from the city with shaky swa, you better hush up and let your tongue do the talking.

I did a little translation of a few words and it had me running to the hills in laughter. Here are my top 5

5. I love it when you give me head- “Ninapenda unaponipa kichwa” Huh?. Kwani ni kichwa ya mbuzi.

4. Turn around i want to see that ass- “Geuka ningependa kutazama hilo tako.”

3. I want to hit that from the back- “Nataka kukububuta kutoka kwa nyuma”

2. Spank me – “Ni charaze” LOL!

1. Oh Yes Yes. I’m coming, i’m coming – “Na’am na’am. Naja najaaaa”

I’m just saying, swa should be left alone in the classroom.

 
18 Comments

Posted by on April 12, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

Woman

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
One friend who Always makes her Laugh… And one Who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A feeling of control over Her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to fall in love Without losing herself…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
HOW TO QUIT A JOB
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER

AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
When to try harder… and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That she can’t change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That her childhoodMay not have been Perfect…
but; Its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she would and Wouldn’t Do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to live alone… even if She doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can’t,
And why she shouldn’t Take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Where to go..
Be it to her best friend’s kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods…When her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she can and can’t accomplish in:
a day…
A month…
And a year.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on April 10, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

21 Questions…not literally

Musically Speaking…

Why can’t Eminem stay married to his baby mama?

Can Mary J Blige stick to singing and never try to rap again… ever?

Is Hov still retiring from the game?

Isn’t JadaKiss the most under rated rapper in the game?

Can Keisha Coles outsing Beyonce?

Isn’t the Wu the greatest clan ever?

Who lied to Jada Pinkett-Smith that she could pass for a rocker chic?

What in Karuiki’s name happened to Ja Rule?

Is R. Kelly still coming out of the closet ama the lock has jammed?

Is it safe for the fugees to get back together?

Isn’t Kci (Kci &Jojo) the poster child of the harmful effects of madawa ya kulevya?

Can somebody please give Michelle Williams(Destiny’s Child) a bagel with cream cheese?

Isn’t GGGG the most over rated unit ever?

Why do all D4L songs have the same beat?

Is Usher still in the confession box?

What happened to Diddy’s gal group from ‘Making the band 3’?

Does Dave Chappelle do a better impersonation on lil’ Jon than lil’ Jon himself?

Are the Pussycat Dolls America’s lame answer to the Spice Girls 10 years later?

Isn’t ‘Tical 2000-Judgement Day’, one of the best album’s ever made?

What’s up with Lil’ Kim’s lips? Was she bee stung?

Doesn’t that song ‘Grillz’ just stick in your head after hearing it about 20 times in one day?

Who’s the real King of the South?

Are you fresh azimiz?

 
10 Comments

Posted by on April 6, 2006 in Uncategorized