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Monthly Archives: May 2007

Funny


Yep, it’s a slow day. But enjoy this lovely funny forward i got from my pal.

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful …… Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si thought “Generol Muotos” was in the army.
* Si thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an applicason where it says “Sign here” si wrote……… “Sagittarius …….”

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ……Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si took the ruler to bed to see how long Si slept.
* Si sent a fax with a stamp on it

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ……Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si tripped over a cordless phone.
* Si spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate…….”
* Si told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK. ”

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ……Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si studied for a blood test.
* When Si missed matatu number 44 to Githurai …..Si took matatu number 22 twice instead.
* When Si went to the Jomo Kenyatta Airport and saw a sign that said, ” Airport Left,” Si turned around and went home.

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ……Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* When Si heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, Si moved……
* Si thought if Si spoke her mind, Si’d be speechless …….
* Si thought that Si could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* Si had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which Si thought stood for “T his Goes In Front.”

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ……Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Need I say more …eh yawah….

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Posted by on May 31, 2007 in Uncategorized

 

Bored at work…

Thank God that long-ass weekend is over. Yes i had no plans plus, outside felt like a freaking oven…ugh!!

So, i channeled surfed all day- how i’m not in a coma is by the grace of God!!

I tell you i need a tv refund coz, aiiii now it’s gone beyond torture.

There was a throw-down between my two favorite shows last night: Antiques Roadshow and Nature(yes am an avid Public Tv Fan). It was nail-biting!! Nature did win eventually coz they always tug at my heartstrings when they talk about African Wildlife.

When that was done, i flipped over to…hold your breath now…Telemundo. I know i know, even i was surprised!!
Miss Universe was on…WTH?!! Just how relevant is that pageant really?!

The funny thing was that i was completely lost in translation. Duh!! The few Spanish words i know are: Ola, Si, Bueno, Tacobell & JLo. And so far so good.

The pageant was held in Mexico…I know right?! Ain’t there about 2 peole left in the entire country? What bait did they use for them to stay up long enough to put up the stage and lights? Free Border pass, Si?!

Earlier in the day, say about 4pm, Mama Oprah was.

(Moment of Silence- Mama O has clearly achieve demi-god status at this point).

They were talking about…err…it’s coming to me…wait…oh, it was self-esteem or something like that (i was under the influence).
So anyway, they were talking about how Asian women crave to have an eye crease. I hit the floor laughing, but then it became a sad thot that we women try to attain impossible beauty standards, to appease other women. Trust me, we don’t lose weight, change out hair color or wardrobe for the men…uh huh we do it for our gal pals. Men jsut benefit as a side dish.

So as I saw Miss Japan win the title i thot to myself: Does she have an eye crease?

 
3 Comments

Posted by on May 29, 2007 in Uncategorized

 

Pleasure Zone

Disclaimer:I am slightly out there(surprise!!)

So seeing that i have all this time in my hands i decided why not share my kooky side.
I treasure the small things in life that we tend to over look in this 24/7 non-stop life-style we got going on(yet they bring a smile to my face and some sort of weird satisfaction, you know, LOL!).

Here are some of them:

Scalp scratching: Have you ever had an itch sooooo good that you did not want it to stop?! I know we all have!
Have you ever scratched an itch that it atcually took your breath away?! I have!

Well, let me take you back: One thing i used to love when i was in High School was when we would sit outside on Saturdays and grease each other’s scalp while we talked about our boyfriends and our crushes(mine was Tevin Campbell- shut up i know i’m showing my age by revealing that!)
Haha.
So anyway, we would sit outside and yap away.
My best friend at the time was soo good at the hair-grease thing, chics used to line-up just to have her do them.
She would first part your hair into 2 sections then, make thin lines across your head and give your scalp a good scratching before oiling. OH!! Twas divine i tell you!! By the time she got to the middle of your head, you were in a trance-like state…just strait-up mum!!
She was so good, you’d forget what you were talking about!!

I still enjoy a good scalp scratch especially when i go to the salon to get my afro washed. I always tell the wash-lady: “Put more pressure.”

Another way to experience a good scalp scratch is when wearing a weave and ladies you will agree when it gets hot under all that fake hair and you feel the itch coming on, and a nice thin knitting needle does the trick(no wonder my mom had them all over the house!)

Ear cleaning: Now hold on before you run off screaming: “Crazy!!” Hear me out.
Have you ever wet a q-tip with a bit of spit, put it in your ear, turned the q-tip around s-l-o-w-l-y and actually felt like you were about to experience an orgasm?? No?!! Oh, let me tell you.
Your eyes just roll back, your head tilts to the side,your body leans back,your mouth is open ever so slightly just enough to let you suck in a bit of air and your eyes are half-closed!! WHAT?!! It’s the best feeling yet!!

Scab Picking: When i was young and my badges of honor were the grazes on my knees and elbows, i used to love picking the scab. Oh just the thrill of pull the old dry skin used to make me look forward to the next fall. I was soo vicious that i would beg my siblings to let me pick at their grazes once the healed.
Oh, and did you ever pick at a wound that was not completely healed only for it to start bleeding again?! Yes!! that was fun.
Alas now i’m graze free, except for the occasional paper cut. *SIGH* i miss the good old days.

Body scrubing: I am have always had a love love affair with body scrubs since forever. I am not talking about those girly-so-soft scrubs, uh-huh i needs me some hard-core body scrub that makes you feel like your skin is about to peel off and fall on the bathroom floor.
I got this new Coconut Butter Body Scrub- it has bits of coconut husks in it and boooyyyyyy let me tell you. As you scrub away, you actually feel your skin getting hot…ahhh tis the best. By the time i’m done my skin is steaming like lunch-time brocolli.

And of course there’s the breast touch: Now i gotta say not a lot of men do not know how to handle breasts(can’t blame them though, it’s not like there’s a manual out for them eh?)
It’s either they grab them as if they are picking produce- squeezing ever so roughly or they knead them together like play-doh! That hurts, news flash!!
But once in a while a man will come along who knows what to do with my girls…

Ladies, you ever had a man who knew just how much pressure to apply on you all the while sucking and slightly nibbling on you?! And knows how to give your girls equal time and attention?! He doesn’t only linger on the nipples, uh-huh, he is on the entire breast sucking, licking, kissing and nibbling?!!

Mmh Mmh Mmh!!
I’m tingling just thinking about it.

[Deep inhale]

Let me just close my eyes and imagine…

 
7 Comments

Posted by on May 27, 2007 in Uncategorized

 

Summer plans

Unless you live under a rock somewhere in the artic circle, summer is in full effect. Damn!! It’s hot!! Worst part- the humidity that’s slowly creeping up!!

So i decided to make summer plans, (something to do since tv sucks ass major!!)

1) Keeping the weight off– As y’all know, i done lost me a few lbs and loving it!! But i seems that i’m getting backlash. One guy pal of mine was telling me that i am getting to skinny and that i need to add on some weight! WTH?!! He’s just jealous! Infact anybody commenting that i need to add on any weight is strait-up hatin’!! Don’t hate just coz you see me crusing up and down in the two-piece bikini aisle in Target!

2)Mind my language: I’m dusting off my Mui Huwa Mwema yet again and reading it for the… oh hell, look i just need to brush up on my swa. Not that i’m losing it or anything but i can’t seem to hold a swa convo to the end without throwing in some english words. So, armed with my Kamusi and Nahau book, i’m ready to compete in a msamiati throw-down…by summer’s end.

3)Be in a meaningful relationship:This may be a bit of a stretch but, hey! a sista can dream ama?! I do want to be in relationship(no seriously don’t laugh). I have been single for a long time and well, i’m tired of getting on and off on the B-train. Need K to be constant(or is it Sex). And anyway, i need to reap the rewards of all my waxing appointments. I’m tired of the only action i’m getting lately is when i’m spreading them for the hot-wax,some wax strips and a gently tap on my leg(coz i tend to tense up) telling me: “Relax honey, or it’s gonna hurt.” Just before i hear the rip soundeffect.

4)Pay attention to my dreams: Yes i may be cuckoo for cocoa puffs when it comes to all things mystic(yes, i’m built that way)but, i did have a dream sometime back was a warning but did pay attention? Nope! Was too busy . The result- I ended up suffering some serious consequences.

5) Ease off the gas pedal: Not that i’m trying to save on gas coz at this point it’s between a decent meal or gas for my car. These gas prices are ridiculous!! I don’t know about where you live but here in the Wind-ward side of Shimbahills, it’s “We are siphoning money from you in any way we can” campaign. I tell you cops are pulling folk over for doing 26 in a 25mph zone.
And those fines are nooooooo joke!
I did find myself infront of a judge the other day pleading my violation case- crap i have never felt sooo scared in my entire life!! A flash of The OZ did come-up in my head several times while waiting to get called.
So from now on know i’m driving like grandma coz these cops are just hiding in the bushes with their speed-radars pointing out to traffic just waitng for you’re(unsuspecting,talking-on-the-cellphone-without-your-handsfree,eating,and loud-music-blasting-clearly-speeding)ass.

Have a great week y’all. I’m off to find ways to dodge this hot sun coz this SPF 60+ i got on, isn’t helping much.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on May 26, 2007 in Uncategorized

 

errm…

I had something intelligent to blog about then i remembered…WTH?!!
So,while i get organised, here’s randomness…

I was on KM’s blog where she was talking about meeting her man’s ex who is a hottie. I sympathized with her. I jumped up, made a placard in protest:”Down with hot ex’s!!” then i dawned on me…
“Wait one doggone minute!! Am i not some guy’s ex?!!”
Last thing i need to be, is looking like a dragon when i meet up with my ex and his new catch, so i quickly pulled down my sign and made a bonfire!! And quickly invested in a good lipgloss!! I ain’t going out like a punk ya know!!

What in the world happened to Kaggz?? She stormed onto the blog world, ruffled feathers and then disappeared as quick as she showed up. Someone get the Akiwumi Inquiry and find her.

I was having a casual sex-talk with a guy pal of mine and i happened to mention that i like to tie-up guys( oh, you gotta be of boyfriend status…MILO!!) and since then he just looks at me like am a freak of nature.
Now our friendship has changed. He’s trying to bed me?!!
WTH?!!
Everytime he calls or txt, he tries to steer the conversation from what’s on tv to when are we hooking up. I did tell him i wouldn’t sleep with him because he does have a rep as a ho. So he’s trying to convince me otherwise…oh puhleez, i ain’t going down. I’m done talking to guys i know about my sex life.

I skipped my waxing appoinment today. Not for nothing, i drank some Sangria last night and it did not go down well, woke up at 3:47am to throw up and ended up with a King-sized hangover. By the time i got up again, it was waaay past my time and i did not feel like spreading them while nursing my sick self.

On the flip side, my clothing shipment arrived today…i’m ready for summer, and lots of skin will be showing. The down side of losing too much weight is that you have to invest in a whole new wardrobe…dang!! I miss my trusted fundi from back home who for 10bob would tighten up my loose fitting jeans.

Crap!! My headache is back!!

I need Tylenol or Tyrone…whoever can get to me first!!

 
6 Comments

Posted by on May 19, 2007 in Uncategorized

 

11 reasons why ladies today are still single

I got this from a gal friend and it does ring true in some cases.

Enjoy!!

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think
we
are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
don’t think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some
money
and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE
FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest
in us when we take the initiative.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on May 10, 2007 in Uncategorized

 

This is how i FEEL!!

 
1 Comment

Posted by on May 3, 2007 in Uncategorized