Inspired by the hit show punk’d, i decided to blog someone(KBW finest- Nicholas Gichu) instead of punk them.
Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and is generated strictly for laughs.
Nick’s real age is 32 but keeps insisting on being 27. Truth be told, mother nature has been kind to him. He is sort of a late bloomer. He could easily pass for 25 since he doesn’t own much facial hair, has a scrawny looking and neither is he sporting the famous beer belly that is prevalent in his age-group buddies. It’s all good for Gich boy.
So, how does he pull off the “I’m 27 years old” scam? Simple: he owns a real-fake ID. Real in that it has nick’s real photo and name, fake in that it says place of birth to be Gatundu when in reality it’s Machakos, but lets keep that on the DL for now.
Nick has one MAJOR obsession: Spider-man! Not just the movies and the comic books, nope it’s the whole shebang. He own the spiderman mug, lunch-box (which he claims will earn in a good profit on e-bay one day), t-shirts, bed sheets (yes he does!). Anything spidey, he’s got.
His obsession started at a young age. Actually right after his folks thought that he was going a little bit carried away with his then obsession: Danger Mouse. Having the t-shirt was fine, but after he started insisting on having the red telephone and hydrant props as well as miniature bombs, folks had to think fast and bought him tons of Marvel comics which he still has to date.
His room is also tricked out in the spider-man theme.He earns good cheese, but he has refused to move out of his parents esq. He moved in after coming back from college on the pretext of being a broke grad tarmarcking but 10 years later, he is in no hurry to pack up and leave. He alwasy considers himself the ‘shadow-minister of security’. Making sure that the watchies do what they are supposed to, including washing his latest ride: VW Jetta-which has received the goverment’s highest award for front and side crash testing, but does he say?!
Let’s enter his room or “The Spider Web” as he so fondly calls it.
The walls are painted in blue and red and spiderman posters are posted all over them, except for his ‘Hero’s wall’ where he proudly displays his Rambo, Rocky, Commando and Scarface posters.
He has his bed painted red as well and every weekend, he covers it with his Spiderman comforter.
On the ceiling, is a web-like goo which he got courtesy of Milo(who annually attends the Comic conference in Las Vegas). It also glows in the dark!
Nick likes to sport his Spider-man jump suit. It may have shrunk due to frequent washing but that does not deter him one bit. The arms may be reaching his elbows and the pants are now effecting a ‘biker’ look since they are up to his calves (zgwembez), but don’t tell him to give it to his younger cousins, nope it’s his weekend get-up. While he finishes straighting up his room, he is listening to his favourite group on his i-pod: Katitu Boys (he is a closet fan).
There’s a knock on the door and enter his long long long-suffering girfriend: Njeri. She is a beatiful gal with long gorgeous hair, she works for a printing company in the city. They have been together since their 3rd year in college. Njeri has been thru it all with Nick, from the incident where he did not have enough money to pay for their dinner in a 3 -star restaurant that resulted in Nick having to stay behind to peel potaoes. To when they had to walk to the nearest bus-stop in the pouring rain after the car Nick had borrowed from his buddy-for flossing purposes only- stalled on the higway after a nite-out. Njeri has decided to kick him to the curb, but when he showed up at her doorstep the next day with a dozen roses, 2 teddy bears(one said “I’m sorry” the other “I love You”) and cans of chicken soup to nurse her back to health from the chill, her heart melted and forgot the break-up speech she had been rehearsing.
“Hey Babie, wassup?!” she quips cheerily
“Nothing much, chilling.” he replys and quickly forwards his i-pod playlist to Greenday.
Njeri is already come to terms that Nick will never give up his Spiderman ways, so she stopped nagging him about it.
She sits on the bed and Nick follows her and assumes the ‘lounge-mode” position: back aganist the wall and feet on the egde of the bed.
“Ewww. Nick when was the last time you clipped your toe nails?! They look nasty!!” Njeri exclaims.
“Si the last time you clipped them.” he replys lazily.
“Babe that was 3 months ago. Don’t they bother you?”
“Nope, i’m not a chick. No one sees my toes. I am in socks all the time and besides they are not that long.”
“You know i can’t stand them. I will clip them.”
Njeri gets up and looks for the nail-clippper and finds it where she left it 3 months ago. Picks up the newspaper -from the stack that is behind the door- and comes back to bed.
(Nick considers himself an upcoming poet and keeps old newspapers so that he can get his poetic mojo after reading the comic “Love is…”)
“Aii babie, that’s why i love you.” Nick proclaims. “You take very good care of me.”
“Mmmh- hmmm.” Njeri replys.
“I’m serious babe. Were it not for you, i don’t know where i would be.” He then proceeds to belt out his favourite tune”Coz you are deadly, shapely, sexy, especially…”
Njeri smiles and continues clipping away. “Hey babie, you know jana i went for Betty bridal shower and it was off the chain.”
Warning bell go off in Nick head: Danger danger!
Njeri goes on for about 5 minutes talking about the bridal shower. “…so babe when do you think we can get married?”
“Eh?!” Nick asks. “Babe, si we are like married?”
“No i mean, the whole thing, i want to be married in a church, white dress, cake and my cucu’s have to sing for me in the background.”
“Oh i see you don’t want to marry me eh? All this time i have been wasting here with you!” Njeri is close to tears.
“Sweetie, it’s not like that. Of course i will marry you. It’s just that us jammaz don’t view marriage the same way you chick do. We are very analytical. K has to remain constant while the other variables change…”
“Now what nonsense is that your saying. Are you trying to talk your way out of a commitment? Njeri angrily asks. “Coz i was watching this show and it got me thinking…”
“Babie, Babie, babie.” Nick quickly jumps in.”I told you not to listen to Oprah’s advice, she has refused to marry Steadman.”
“I am not talking about Oprah, Nick.” Njeri snaps back.
“Sawa not Oprah, but Tyra is no better either, she is a supermodel. What does she know about marriage?”
Njeri sighs.”Not it’s not Tyra either.”
“Then which show is this that has you soo upset babie” he asks with a puzzled look on his face.”
Njeri turns to Nick and says slowly.” The Bachelor.”
Nick bursts out laughing.” Babe, the bachelor is a fake show. Don’t beleive anything they do.”
“But it’s a reality show. How can it be fake?”
“Coz those guys never marry any of the chicks they choose. Aiii babie, wacha mambo ya rose-giving ceremony. I am the real deal”
Nick quickly changes the topic. “Babe did i tell you i won the Kaybee awards for the coolest blog.”
“Ati what?!”Who is this KB? Is she a chick? Coz if she is the reason you don’t want to marry me, i swear i will leave you!!” Njeri states with a dead look in her eyes.
Noticing that he has let out a major secret about his personal life. Nick quickly retracts his statement.
“Babe Kaybee are these awards we have at jobo for jammaz. So they awarded me with the coolest dude award”
“So what did they give you?” she asks
“Nothing really” he replies “Just the title.”
“Let me get this strait, you won an award and you got nothing to show for it?” she asks
“Babe it’s the title that counts.” Nick says.
Njeri bursts out laughing.
‘Don’t laugh, i’m cool. And to show you how cool i am, i’m going to take you to that new joint in town and everything is on me.” Nick says boastfully.
“Sawa, let’s go.”
After a quick jump in the shower. Nick appears all refreshed and energized.
When they pull off the drive way, Njeri looks at Nick and says.”Honestly i do not know why i’m still in love with you.”
“I know why.” Nick replies confidently.
“Oh yeah. Why?”
Nick breaks out into a song.” Megarider-aaaa. I gotta a megarider-aaa.”