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The Visit

29 Apr

Oh! What a crazy several days it has been. I have been soo busy running up and down trying to make her royal highness- mother- feel at home. Yes momma’s in town!!

So i have turned into a 24-7 butler, cook, chauffeur, tour guide and maid. I am as tired as a runaway slave!

Mother’s visit was not a surprise, actually i knew about it 3 months in advance. It wasn’t until she finally arrived that it finally hit me- this ish is for real!!

What is it about parents- esp moms that make you(a grown ass man/woman) feel like an 8 year old? I have been busy putting things in and about my life in order or rather on lockdown. Let it be know that my mom is a God-fearing woman and anything remotely demonic, she is not afraid to kemea it.

Here are some of the things that have had to change drastically:

  • Been looking for a Christian radio station in my car radio since i am her full-time driver bila benefits. I tell you where is Waumini FM when you need it?! I am always on those non-stop hip-hop stations or listening to genge. I resulted to buying some Ron Kenoly and Don Moen CD’s. Haki if one of y’all owns a Munishi CD or even tape-will take anything at this point- i highly appreciate.

  • My TV ADD is coming to a halt. I have 2 telis in the house but we have to sit together and watch one and she is not appreciating my channel surfing ways. “Ebu nione hiyo commercial” is her mantra now. Also i had to put a password on some channels- BET to be exact- Lord know what she would say if she saw all that booty shaking.

  • There are changes in the sleeping department as well. I can no longer wear something sexy to bed (sleepwear entitles a slip with no panties- love to be unrestricted). Manze i had to go buy some serious cotton pj’s. I feel like a mono back in high school. WTH?! All i need is a bad mattress and pillow to match.

  • My weekend pleasure, going to Barnes and Nobles and reading Hustler or King Magazine is no more. I am now walking right past them and heading for the T.D Jakes section. How can one explain to one’s parent what you are trying to get out of a magazine who’s front cover has a heavy-bottom chick in something that would make dental floss look like a priestly robe?

  • Oh and forget all that self- pleasure business. Gone are the days of enjoying walking around the crib naked eating ice-cream. Or laying on the couch and getting to know myself better…Ahem! LOL!! Thank goodness i don’t own a rabbit- i cannot talk myself out of that mess if she ever found one. So, i am officially operating from the shower, which is kind of hard coz boy if i miss a step, slip and fall. Nitasema nilikuwa niki-do nini?!

  • And no more booty calls, phone sex or sleeping out. I am going diggz strait after work- no funny business. The lady is silently keeping a timer: how long i am on the phone, what time the call came in, am i whispering and speaking in cryptic codes, asks what time i get off work every other day. I tell you this lady should have worked for the KGB…

Now before y’all paint me with the ‘crazy-daughter’ brush. My mom and i have taken a step back and reviewed our relationship. We no longer fight each other and she forgave me for giving her countless headaches with boys,booze and clubbing when growing up. I forgave her for the times she threw me out of the house- yes it got to that on several occasions but i refused to leave the diggz. LOL! May blog about it someday. I am no longer that wild rebellious teen- no for real though. I done grown into a very responsible lady- still a freak but responsible.

On the positive side, at least i finally have someone waiting for me after a long day’s work, oh and a hot plate of cooked food (not those TV dinners that i am famous for). It’s not going to be that bad, for the next few weeks. We have become very good friends and she is one person always on my corner cheering me on.

LOVE HER!!

Therefore i am willing to compromise on some things. One thing i will not be changing is my greeting. I am not switching from “hey how ya doin” to “Bwana asifiwe sana.” Momma please, ebu chill and let me be.

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19 Comments

Posted by on April 29, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

19 responses to “The Visit

  1. spicebear

    April 30, 2006 at 04:52

    praise the lord!? (this is where you say amen)

    lol, i’m just playing with you. i went through the exact same thing when i went home for christmas – mara sigaras are being hidden, i’m asked where i’ve been when i come home at strange hours (read after news) and i’m being asked what is so interesting in bars in tao that i have to be there late at night … for sure, its when you’ve moved out of the house and your mother still gives you curfew that you wonder if you ever grew up. i mean surely, you shouldn’t have to start explaining that the reason you smell of alcohol is because someone spilled their drink on you (and me i believe they actually know what’s going on, but they ask anyway)

    i gave up on changing the channel when i’m in the car with either of my parents – i have had to endure coro fm etc because the other ones are for the devil. lakini looooool ati you go for the t.d jakes section. and b.e.t traumatised my poor daddy, mpaka when he used to live these sides he refused to get cable.

    msichana, before i blog in this comments section of yours, i’ll just tell you that you have consolation. i had a pal who was hiding several (!) dildos and a wide variety of condoms when her mom came to visit – she just kept hoping that the back of the closet wouldn’t be inspected.

    this post was the greatest, menn, it’s made my morning!

     
  2. Movie Buff

    April 30, 2006 at 11:25

    lol… ati shower adventures… lol…. But I feel you!.
    Now, the TV was constantly on TBN. The only time I see TBN is because it is the channel before VH1…. lol… but I kept my cool… because me loves my mummy!

    oh! And my dad…… when he came and found out there was a channel on GOLF only….. Dear…. that was just awful….. a whole day of golf…. enough to kill me….

    ENJOY! Because I know about coming home to mummy….cooked food… et al……suffice to say, me is slightly jealous!

     
  3. kelitu

    April 30, 2006 at 14:40

    Spicebear: LOL @ gaffs being hid. Been there too. Kwanza i used to agree to be send to the shops so that i can get a chance to light up.
    I too believe that folks knew what we were up to.It’s just that they never caight us red-handed drinking/ smoking/ or being kunjwad.
    Oh gosh what was that curfew thing?! We never had one at diggz but at the same time you couldn’t stroll into the crib at 9pm. Folks used to sema “If i am the owner of this house and i am here before 7, what makes you think you can come in at anytime you want?”

    Duh mom & dad, i have a life!!

     
  4. kelitu

    April 30, 2006 at 14:45

    Movie buff: you are worse that i am,at least my TBN is sandwiched btwn some other christian channels.So i can easily ponyoka being nabbed laughing at surreal life.
    I have this uncle who discovered Discovery Wings channel: manze everytime i visit i was subjected to watch a channel featuring those planes used in WW2, and you know those progiz are in black & white. Oh! the agony!

     
  5. Mocha!

    April 30, 2006 at 16:30

    AKI YA NANI!

    how come I missed out on your blog like this. You are one funny mama!

    I can just picture the bathroom scene (before y’all say something, I haven’t got lesbian tendancies). I have been in similar predicaments – too many to count.

    Apart from the highly spiritual mother, I can swear your mom is just like mine. Kwanza the part of being kicked out of the house. I can remember the amount of times my mom has locked me out for being out past my bedtime (mind you even a minute late i was being fungiwad) aka undiscussed curfew.

    In some ways, I am glad she hasnt come to visit me. As much as I miss her, wacha we onana on familiar territory aka Kenya!

     
  6. Acolyte

    April 30, 2006 at 21:09

    @ kelitu
    This post kumbushas me of some things when my mum came to visit mpaka I have decided to post my own memoires of my mum visiting!This post was tight!

     
  7. Jay

    May 1, 2006 at 05:06

    LOLOLOL pole sana msichana. There’s this one time I forgot to sanitize the house and left an empty cigarette packet and my mum just picked it up and looked at me. I told her chap cha, dustbin iko kitchen and dived into the toilet before she could ask.

    Gathi I need to quit those evil things!!

    Thank God you don’t have ze toys. LOL WHAT could you possibly say to explaid that???

    I’m thinking of building a false bottom in the closet for mine.

     
  8. Jay

    May 1, 2006 at 05:10

    I’m in the office on Labour day, I am sleepy, I have a hangy. Forgive all typos LOL

     
  9. The Devious One

    May 1, 2006 at 09:50

    LOOOOOL HIRARIOUS HIRARIOUS HIRARIOUS ( no typos )

    This brought back memories of my mums first visit…
    I did a revamp on my tabias…and jus like U..I have two tv’s lakini mathe insisted we watch tv together…and besides TBN, I was subjected to Lifetime NGAI VAVA !!

    Then as soon as I get home from the plantation…mathe wants to go zururain….lets not even mention the dreaded shopping sprees ( and Im a shopaholic ) lakini I dreaded it !

    I have serious ADD when it comes to watchin TV – I can literally watch three shows simultaneously by flippin channels everytime a commercial kicks in and this drove mother dearest nuts !
    she thought it was a ploy to get her nerves worked up…lool

    I remember she once left the door open and my mnyama did an OPERATION FREEDOM move,and mother dearest yelled “pussy imetoroka” !!
    The woman then stepped outside the hao and started yelling ” pussy..pussy…pussy”
    I sprinted ( better than Kipchoge Keino ) to go do damage control bcoz I had neighbours outside and they must have wondered what the heck is goin on .

    I told mathe to leave it be, the pussy..ahem I mean cat, will come back ( a fact i was not sure of )

    How do I start explainin that pussy si paka but ummmm my “play station ( pointin my crotch )?

    I was not about to take on the undaunting task coz I didnt have the nguvus to lift mathe coz I could smell a fainting spell coming a mile away….

    All in all her visit and company was appreciated, not to mention perks like hot meals and such !

     
  10. Kabinti

    May 1, 2006 at 10:25

    ROTFL… i think we all have similar experiences. When mothers come to town life just pindukas. I’m the type that can receive phone calls anytime and that’s just something that my mum will never get. So yaani calls have to be screened kwasababu she will always be up in my biz. Lakini the worst was when i left my birth control on the bathroom sink and woke up the next morning realizing what i had done. The coronary thrombosis not suffered that morning, only God knows. I’m sure she saw it lakini not a word was said. So for the rest of the time she was here I was sweating bullets lakini again that storo was swept under the carpet :o)

     
  11. Nakeel

    May 1, 2006 at 12:00

    ooh gal I feel you and pole for missing doing your tuevils but u will be at it soon.
    Till today have never known why mums treat us like two year olds.
    Of course we know they love us but denying me do what i like to jeez mum wacha mi nimegrow we can i tell u at some point she feeds me…

     
  12. The Devious One

    May 1, 2006 at 12:20

    Nakeel..loool my mum still has a tabia of holding my hand whene were crossing the road..and she doesnt take no for an answer !

     
  13. Coffee Fiend

    May 1, 2006 at 12:35

    Kelitu….this was tight! Quite funny…..folks will always be folks…I live in the same town as my parents and truth be told as much as they would luv to come and visit…I have sent very few invites for my own safety…they do not need to see me and my devious ways….so I do the next best thing and go and see them twice a week but mum still calls me everyday!!!! I luv her to bits tho..

     
  14. Poi

    May 1, 2006 at 16:49

    Hilariousity-NESS

    Kelitu, this post is soo tight girlie, seeing as auntie will be in town in anutha 2weeks i’m so borrowing and making notes from this, thanks for schooling me.

    Woe iz me or is it my house and friends?

    I’ll try blog how the stay was, for a whole month if i toboa LOLSES but i love that mwanamke(actually this what we call her) like none other!

     
  15. Prousette

    May 2, 2006 at 05:01

    To your mom you will always be a baby even if you are 60 years old and she still has strength. I am not a terrified of my mom’s visits as I am of her sisters, my aunties, who will chambua my every single move and digest it for her, as my mom believes the best about me now that I am no longer under her roof and care.

    That’s a lovely post.

     
  16. Samborera

    May 2, 2006 at 05:06

    I’m starting to wish I was a fly on your wall. A hidden camera even. You stir up the voyeur in me. Seriously. You have no idea.

     
  17. mutumia

    May 2, 2006 at 15:19

    Bwahahahahahahahahahah!!! At you and all the comments…. That is seriously funee!!

    *ahem* My name is Mutumia and my mum is visiting.

    Kwanza let’s not forget the way you’re supposed to pick up EVERY damn call. She catches you doing call screening and suddenly you’re the devil (plus you know if you ever miss a phone call of hers once she rudis, she’ll be like “Ehhh…. you’re looking at the number and not picking up?”)

    Sahau strokes— you can’t go to his place as she’s like “Ulilala wapi?” he can’t stay over as soundtrack will set her off on the “Me, I have no daughter. Divide that plot of land to my sons only!”speech… (Plus strokes in the same house your folks are in is just nasty!)..

    Oh my— Nice post… I’m lovin’ it.

     
  18. Stunuh Jay

    May 3, 2006 at 06:13

    LMAO! for now. There must be a universal clay form for making mothers! My Mom’s coming to visit and I’ve moved in with a freind, that’s my back up plan….! With random people My Mom will just have to chill out on the wigging out! But you’re right, we love em much!

     
  19. kelitu

    May 4, 2006 at 11:37

    At this point i am requesting prayers from one and all. Woiiee saidia Yehovah!!

     

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