Of things aeronautical

01 Apr

I am seriously thinking about starting a savings account that will eventually enable me to buy my own private jet.

I was flying El Cheapo airlines to my vacation spot and i am tired of it. Between the overpriced airfares and gazillion stop-overs, the madness (of public travel) has to come to an end… soon.

Here’s the deal:

I bought my ticket over the phone, coz i don’t trust buying a ticket online. I love to manipulate the time and whatnot to suit me. So when i got to the check-in counter at the airport, i wanted to upgrade my seat. Turns out i have to pay about $35 and up just to switch seats (from coach to business class). I mean what is soooo fancy about business class anyway?!… So what if the seat is slightly bigger and the flight attendants more friendly, you will all arrive at the same time with the rest of the coach folk. Right?

So off i go to look for my seat,(nooo i was not all the way back with the lavatories) found it, buckled up and i’m ready to get this vacation on and poppin’! My excitement started to wane when we were told by the Captain that we are on hold coz apparently there’s some sort of air traffic bla bla bla and so here i am strapped down in a 2×4 seat, legs are beginning to cramp and i can’t stand up and stretch coz, as per the flight attendant’s message;” If you stand up we will be taken to the back of the air traffic line.’ To kill the boredom, we are given headsets and told to tune in to the satelite radio they have installed and enjoy. No, there was no tv/ movie to keep us entertained (the price you pay for cheap airlines).

After 45 minutes, we finally take off and the attendants come round with those pathetic tiny packs of pretzels and a cup of soda…yes a cup. You’d think after being detained on the ground for a while they would pacify us by giving everyone a whole soda can…again el cheapo. Now if i had my own plane, i would be served a club sandwich and a glass of bubbly.

I am not going to knock off the satelite radio thing, the music was quite goood, especially the channel that plays only ’90s music, Heavy D and Soul 4 Real did take me back to those friday nights when carnivore was the place to be and doing the shuffle was a hit. Bliss. Got me thinking, “Maybe i should get it for my car…”
My thoughts are quickly cut short when the Captain comes on and says that due to the delay during take off, those passengers who had connecting flights might miss them. I did not want to hear that coz i was one of those people with a connecting flight. I started imagining myself stranded at the airport over night cold, no bed, hungry…

It had happened before you know. I was on a connecting flight that was passing thru Heathrow Aiport and when i got there, my flight plans had been changed without warning. Everything from departure time to which aiport i was suppose to land in. Let me tell you, i did look homeless sleeping on those seats with my purse as a makeshift pillow. I am 1/2 qk so i quickly took out my money from my purse and put in in the front pocket of my dungarees (i wasn’t about to be put in the poor house just coz i was effecting the look) and proceeded to sleep for about 5 hours. That was then and i was not about to go thru THAT again.

We landed at the same time my other flight was suppose to be leaving and even before the Captain to come to a complete stop, i was about to drop (yes, the mathree way) from the plane. Fortunately, the passengers who were not connecting were kind enough to let us leave first. Paul Tergat has nothing on me, i stopped to draw breath until i got to the gate.
When i got to there, it was closing. Lucky me the plane was waiting for people (yes like a mathree…the ‘lazima ijae’ policy was in full effect).

After the mathree was packed to capcity. I found myself sitting next to this large woman who apparently taking showers was something foreign. She was killing me with her funky odor which, seemed to be coming from every pore of her body. Again, this is not something you will experience in the luxury of your own plane. I took out my leso (yes, i carry one when i travel) and proceeded to cover myself my face and faced the window, pretending to sleep.I was really trying not to get nauseated for the rest of my 4 hour flight.

At last, we landed and i was glad. I had began to lose sensation in my limbs. I quickly dash to the baggage claim area, thinking things are moving chap chap. Alas, i was there for about 30 minutes, just posing and waiting for my luggage to appear. And why pray tell, do strange men think that the baggage area is a pick up spot?! Dude, the last thing i need is to be chatted up when it’s an insanely hour of the night, i’m pained from jet-lag and time loss, plus the fact that you are soooo not my type! So please let me be or i will be forced to use mace!

Come Monday, i’m off to see my financial advisor. We need to work something out…fast!


Posted by on April 1, 2006 in Uncategorized


12 responses to “Of things aeronautical

  1. spicebear

    April 2, 2006 at 03:09

    … i have laughed till i can’t shikika. domestic flights in the states is like being on a matatu. el cheapo airlines for sure!

  2. Nakeel

    April 2, 2006 at 10:47

    Gal u cracked me and you know what print those cards I circulate for you we fund raise for it but dont show them that it is for buying plane do it the Nigerian way (smart).

  3. Shiroh

    April 3, 2006 at 01:56

    Hey welcome back. Ati own your own private jet,.well. Good luck.

  4. nick

    April 3, 2006 at 08:26

    lol at leso pretending you are dead as her sense of smell. seriously where do people get off not-deodorizing.

    am on my own oney makin scheme as well..hata mimi i dont my wallet to keep gigglin at me when i open it

  5. nick

    April 3, 2006 at 08:39

    lol at leso pretending you are dead as her sense of smell. seriously where do people get off not-deodorizing.

    am on my own money makin scheme as well..hata mimi i dont my wallet to keep gigglin at me when i open it

  6. The Devious One

    April 3, 2006 at 11:59

    HE HE HE Ebu tambua which El Cheapo airline this is so we avoid it…
    Ive had the pleasure of seating near the toilets in a plane and boy oh boy…made me learn my lesson – so I click on the seat option when buying a ticket
    Medussa….fess up with the times and jump on the internet bandwagon in purchasing stuff – not as bad as U would think …

  7. Medusa

    April 3, 2006 at 12:00

    LOL- Please tell me you didn’t fly US. airways..thats is the absolute worstest* airline ever!

  8. kelitu

    April 3, 2006 at 12:17

    @Medusa: It was Air train..oohh the worst. But US airways takes the cake. I called once and this hispanic guy who did not understand a word of english. I could have strangled him over the phone.

    @Nick: we gotta make this paper by hook or crook manze. A tleast your wallet giggles. Mine has an echo.

    Niko na ka fundraising hivi karibuni (hint hint)so avail thyself.

  9. The Devious One

    April 3, 2006 at 13:01

    I beg to differ, i thin US has better service than Airtran – atleast for me it has.
    U know ure in AN ElCheapo FLIGHT when right before take off the Captain anounces “GOOD THING WE DIDNT TAKE OFF”

  10. Poi

    April 3, 2006 at 15:28

    Hhehehhehe you crack-up you!

    All the best with getting your own and can we ride in, just once you know like a warming thing?

    Have a lovely week!

  11. Guessaurus

    April 6, 2006 at 14:38

    Pole for you Heathrow Horror – I dont think I would be comfortable enough to sleep in an airport, but I Guess desperate times and all.

    Flying in US mainland is like taking the Kenya Bus -and the service is the same.

    As for US airways, unless I am being transported to Gitmo against my will, never again. They are mediocre and their planes are filthy – and I am talking about transatlantic routes. And you have to pay for alcohol – WTH? Who pays for things outside Duty Free on planes?

  12. kelitu

    April 6, 2006 at 20:07

    Guess,air travel in the US is for the fittest. Ukizubaa u may find yourself hanging on the wing all the way to your destination.
    The worst airline is Southwest…just like it’s name, everything about it is just south hata sitting in Business class does not help.


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