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Author Archives: kelitu

Don’t click if you are easily offended!!

LMAO!!!

Please, this is strait up X-rated talk…. NSFW!!!!

Hillarious….NSFW!!!!

Hillarious 2… NSFW!!

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5 Comments

Posted by on April 14, 2009 in All things sex-related, Relationships

 

To fart or not to fart…

Now that is one loaded question.

Okay, so at what point do you get comfy farting in the presence of your significant other? I am not talking about married folk, coz after you say your I DO’s…  invest in a gas mask.

*insert Darth Vader breathing sound effects*

I heard some celeb say after 3 months, it’s okay to let it rip… but c’mon you know 3 months in celeb world= 5 years!!

It’s best to handle the biz in the bathroom but it’s kinda hard, esp when the two of you are kicking it.  You tend to keep going to the bathroom, let one out, come out and on the way back, feel the need to let out another one. So that’s where you get to squatting (while exhaling) in the bathroom and let all them little extra bubbles go.  Ahhhhh sweet relief!!

But sooner rather than later, once you get back to couch cuddling, you feel the need to gas up one more time. And now it’s annoying coz the movie can’t keep getting paused every time! So you hold it in till you feel the need to take a pee… not a good idea coz then a storm starts brewing… below. And it’s only a matter of time before disaster strikes. God forbid, a make out session starts while you are in this predicament and your thigh gets lifted….*explosion sound effects*

So i need your two cents in the gas jar….

How long does the charade need to last before the real weapons of mass destruction are unearthed?!

 
 

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Great Googley Moogley!!

I know, i know… didn’t know the new year would get here that fast.

mama needs to get typing.

Got plenty of laughs for all y’all…. but now… i have a glass of red wine waiting for me and gotta update my facebook status!!

Happy Easter!!!

 
3 Comments

Posted by on April 11, 2009 in Sigh, Uncategorized

 

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Something new everyday

So as i was skeeming thru the latest Cosmo… nah, not trying to get the latest sex skills… by the way do those things work? because i tell you you need a map, flashlight and some tape to find all these hot zones as well as stay turned on and work it!!  I mean is it ssex, or a surgery 201?

Anywhorgasm, i was reading about being a drunkorexia and i was like “hey, that me.” you know chics who eat little and drink much to so as not to gain weight…. i like the more traditional name “chakula kinywaji’ which stands for liquid food. The only problem that i am haivng with being a drunkorexia is that i am back to working out. So now it’s becoming more and more difficult to drink after i work out… and of course i can’t drink before the work, (even i know that), that would totally kill my buzz!!! :-p

Well, i console myself that at least i ain;t a drug-orexia… poeple who consume diet pills to lose weight.

With that sai,

Merry Christmas and  Happy NEW Year to all!!

Here’s *hic* to all *hic*

p/s: and i will resolute to blog more… i do need to start writing my blogs on word so that i can copy paste… mmhhh i will look for that program on my vista…which sucks ass!!

Anyway i’m rambling…

toodles y’all!!!

 
6 Comments

Posted by on December 17, 2008 in Diet Diaries, Mumblings, Rehab, Sigh

 

errmmm

yeah i haven’t been able to blog for a minute….

btwn the recession and drama filled relationships my friends are having, my stalker being back and not taking NO for an answer and O.J. Simpson finally going to jail….  i can’t keep up!!

i am only one girl from the slopes of Shimba hills!!

 
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Posted by on December 5, 2008 in Sigh

 

Your .02 cents required.

Are there 3 types of men out there??

I will speak for myself since this is how i feel/ felt when the epiphany dawned on me:

3) The Hell nah!!

This is the man that no matter what he does/ tries. You will never get with him. You are not compatible. Not only does he annoy you every-time you see him/ when he open his mouth, your libido lowers a few notches when he leans in for a hug or a kiss on the cheek, not to mention he makes you wanna bath in scalding hot water after a close encounter with him. He tends to get his courage to speak to you after a few beers always claiming his love for you and how he is doesn’t understand why y’all are not together (read married). Then he starts to plead his case once again, making the whole conversation uncomfortable and you are standing there wishing someone would yell “Fire!!!” just so you can cut loose.

Some in this group include stalkers (some), that annoying boy in primary school who used to have a thing for you, that perv of shopkeeper who gave you free candy, the makangaz who gave you free sarez.

2) Hot Damn!

Now this is the guy, your mother warned you about. He has sex appeal oozing even from his nose hairs. Just standing next to him causes sparks of electricity to fly between you two. Your words get stuck in your throat and got to swallow hard and clear your throat several times before you speak all the while saying a silent prayer. You cannot look at him too long for fear of losing your sanity and clothes at the same time. It could be below 0Farenheit, and you will be sweating up a summer storm!!

A hug from him makes your privates tingle and throb at the same time. You make it  point of walking past him several times (going to get a drink, making a call, going to the ladies, hell just any damn thing that will make you strut like Naomi Campbell!!), making him size you up and you are loving every minute you distract him while he is in a conversation with his boys (double score if it’s with some skank who is pushing up on him!!!)

When you finally kiss (that is if you ever do), your mind goes blank and all the kissing skills you claim to possess are clearly M.I.A. And you go home in a daze and can’t think strait for the rest of the night.

He is a time bomb waiting to explode.

Include everyone you know who fits the bill…including yourself. 😉

1)Mr. Mr

He is the perfect guy. Knows what to say and when to say to make you smile. The sex is okay/ great (on special ocassions) . He adores you and thinks the whole world of you. He is slightly boring since he doesn’t get over-excited on the daily (unless it’s sports).

Has a steady job, pays his bills,pretty stable and reliable. Ocassionally hangs out with the guys on the weekends and has a few beers. You are with him because he is a safe bet. Plus you know that he will make a nice husband and father to your kids (unlike Hot Damn who could be having several baby mamas, some of which he may not be aware). He keeps his jealousy well hidden especially when he sees you interacting with guys who are still trying their hand to get at you. He may not be what you envision growing up (thanx Mills & Boons) but he makes you happy and that is what counts…. or does it?!!

Includes current husband, boyfriend, fiance… or (one you dumped for Hot damn).

 
4 Comments

Posted by on November 11, 2008 in Relationships

 

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Here’s the deal…

If you are going to do something, i need you to do it wholeheartedly!!!

I had this stalker, but now he is slacking on the job, and not stalking me the way a stalker is suppose to. I have to say, i ain’t pleased.

See this guy would be lurking waiting for me to pop up and then we would chat and talk and laugh and then i would off on my merry way. But for the last week i have noticed he has not been diligent.

Come to find out he done up and went and got himself a date. I mean what the hell??!!And he thinks this shit is cute, busy telling me “i think i done found the one, so i’m taking baby steps.”

*pukes*

If you are stalking someone, you do not have the time to be getting into relationships and junk, you are busy stalking. Boy am i steamed!! How are you suppose to give me 100% attention (wanted /unwanted) when you busy wining and dining other women??!!

Therefore, i’m putting the word out that i’m looking for a dedicated stalker who will give me his all. Blood, sweat and guts.  I need commitment y’all, some dedicated to the cause.

If this applies to you please do not hesitate to start stalking. I’m waiting…

 
5 Comments

Posted by on November 3, 2008 in Annoying, Rant, Relationships

 

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