26 May

It’s 3 in the morning and insomnia is at an all time high.

I subconsciously have been asking for a sign. A sign that tells me which way to go (relationship wise).

My receiver has been getting all kinds of messages and i couldn’t seem to figure out which one was the right one…

until a few a hours ago.

I saw my ex in a pic with some girl and the body language said it all. Since then i have been 😦

Let me back track and explain. We started talking again. Nothing serious just a few text messages, checking up on each other. I’d be lying if i said the texts didn’t give me hope of a reconciliation.

I did notice that he took long to respond back as well as the responses being vague and distant. Well a flag went off in my head that said “he must be preoccupied with someone else.” But as usual when you are blinded by love, you find every excuse in the book to justify it.

I had spoken with a mutual friend a while back and they were of the opinion that we should try to make it work. Well i gave their words a lot of thought and started mentally working on how i can make give this relationship another shot. I mean we are all not perfect and there’s no relationship that doesn’t have it’s share of ups and downs. I was so ready to jump back on the saddle. Gosh, I was ready to go to any length to get him back!!

So isn’t is funny how on the day i FINALLY decide to muster up all the courage in me and let him know how i really feel and that i want another go, i come across “the picture” on my friend’s album.

At first i gasped. First thought that came to my head was, “why is she that close to my man?”

Then my head started reeling. I stopped everything i was doing.

Got up and jumped in the shower to think.

The water is scalding hot yet i’m all numb and in a daze.

I start mumbling to myself. I have no idea what i’m saying.

I get out of the shower, put on my pajamas and paced around for a few minutes trying to think straight.

Then send him a text asking him who the girl was.

I get into bed, still in shock. Turn on the tv but i can’t see or hear anything.

So i pick up my phone and call my prayer partner. As soon as i heard her ask “what’s wrong?” I start sobbing so hard, she can barely understand what i’m saying. So we prayed, well she prayed, i was just crying.

I then fell asleep, woke up almost a few hours later and saw his reply… he’s pursuing her  😦 😦 😦

I guess i did set myself up to fail with my delusions of grandeur. Here i thought that he would call me one day and say “I love you girl, lets get back together. I miss you. I want to hold you in my arms. I want you back in life.” And i would reply, “I love you too baby, i want to be with you too. Lets make this work.” … *sigh* Pitiful ain’t it?!

I love really hard and it’s something in my personality that i can’t change. Trust me i have tried. So when it hurts, it hurts deep and long. That’s why i stayed away from relationship because i tend to fall apart when it’s over.

I guess the sign not only got through, but is out there for all to see.


Posted by on May 26, 2010 in Relationships, Sigh


6 responses to “So,

  1. jmmk

    May 26, 2010 at 10:36

    some of what you’ve written … it’s like you were there six months ago when i was going through the same thing.

    isn’t facebook a bitch? when my ex and i were going through the whole “will we, won’t we, maybe, maybe not” those pictures did me in more than once. especially when it was him trying to convince me to give it another go and then i see things … confusing. not to mention it messed with my sense of self. yaani i wasn’t ever going to be enough? but let me not beat those stories now, they may never end.

    so, i’m going to state the obvious but it needs to be said because its true. letting go is hard. half a year later and i’m still not sure if there isn’t a part of me that wants him back. but to get past the whole “we will work out, what we have is real” is hard. and painful. in my experience nothing is going to make it easier (save for good friends and vodka but that’s just me)its just a process we all have to go through sucky as it may be.

    next bit of obviousness is that time helps. alot. i hated hearing it when i was in the midst of stuff but its true. soon, it wont hurt as much to see those pics or you wont miss every part of him to the point of distraction. i feel you on the loving hard part cos i’m the same. twice last year i fell apart so now i’m doing the whole focusing on me bit – emotionally, i don’t think i can handle being with someone, at least not right now.

    in conclusion (eish, ive written like half a book over here) i feel you. im sending virtual hugs and shots of alcohol your way. it’ll get better, trust me.

    Thank you so much jmmk, for the e-hugs and e-liqour.
    Yes i’ve heard that today more than anything else “let go” & “time heals all wounds”. Although it’s easier said than done, i have to do it.

    As much as facebook is the devil, i’m glad it cuts through the chase. I would have made a complete ass of myself trying to get him back meanwhile, his busy romancing someone else. *shudders* i don’t even want to think about it now.

    I’m so glad i have a close circle of girlfriends who just called me and comforted me. I was feeling so low when i finally woke up after a measly 2 hours of fitful sleep.
    My boss was so understanding and we swapped stories over morning coffee.

    I’m all about taking deep breaths now everytime i feel the need to get sad or overwhelmed.

  2. Nakeel

    May 28, 2010 at 06:25

    At some point in life we go through a hurting moment we tend to focus on why it dint work for us rather than the positive we could derive from it.
    Gal I know you have heard this several times but will say this again: You will learn to love again you will overcome this because you are strong than you seem to see yourself you shall get the best you ever deserved. He has moved on and you need to do the same…. It hurts but dear.. Focus on whats ahead and not the lost….
    I wish you the best (((((Kels)))))…..

    Thank you Nakeel.

    I wish i had a switch that could turn off all the feelings and memories of him. Although it’s hard, i have decided that it’s for the best. I do want to be with someone who trust me and treats me with respect. I compromised alot being with him “in the name of love”… not anymore! I’m not short-changing myself just to be in a relationship!

  3. Gish

    May 28, 2010 at 08:02

    Sending love, hugs and lots of shotos. This too will pass just that it might take a while. Chin up my dear you will be fine.

    Thanks Gish

    It is well with me soul!

  4. kbaab

    June 2, 2010 at 06:32

    I’m sorry girl. Having been through that myself, all I can say is that it gets better with time, just like the girls have said. Hang in there . . . I’m sure one day you’ll look back, read this post and laugh hysterically at it. Trust me. *hugs*

    Thank you Kbaab.

    I am taking it one step at a time and just allowing God and time to heal me.

    I can’t wait to look back and laugh HYSTERICALLY!


  5. saikano

    June 5, 2010 at 15:16

    Hi. New fan here. Start forget old wound for move tomorrow. I like story.

    Keep it up
    To write you are Good writer you are vivid.

    Thank you so much Saikano.

  6. Calculator Careers

    September 13, 2010 at 15:06

    Hi. New fan here too


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