24 Mar

I will go down on record having said that blogging is like crack. You quit, cuss it out, go into rehab to detox, just to find yourself right back where you were before(actually much worse coz you come back with a vengence)!!

The same applies to going for Kenyan Funkies…

Goodness me!!! If i can have a $1 for the number of times i have sworn off attending another bash/heng that has wanainchi invovled, i would be in Forbes.

Everyday, like a New Year’s resolution that doesn’t go stale i vow: “I, Kelitu, aka Kels, aka Shimbahills finest, being of sound mind hereby proclaim that i will not be attending any Kenyan funkies for atleast 6 months. A time to which my system will have fully detoxed and decluttered from all things Kenyan. I promise to uphold this confession until the maximum sentence has been carried out.”

But just like a bad rash that is resistant to anti-biotics, i find myself being dragged into another on of these funkies (if it’s not a birthday, it’s a wedding, a baby shower-which have become like an epidemic lately- or it’s s fundraising of some sort.) After which i always leave with a bad taste in my mouth(and not because the drinks suck).

I have discovered that Kenyans, regardless of how long and far you stay away from them, will find a way of bounty-hunting you.

You go M.I.A for a few months and the first thing you get after resurfacing is: “Yaani Kelitu nowadays you are not feelings us eh?” “Umelost sana jo. You don’t come hangout with us. You don’t call people. Whose this jamma who has you under wraps like this, kwani you are dating a jungu ama an akata like this? Ama you have pandad bei and don’t wanna mingle with us?”
But of course being that i went to manners school, instead of yelling:”F**k off!!!” I smile politely and reply:”Niko tu. Busy, busy bana. Si you jua how this place just harakisha people.”
Then you have to spend the rest of the night ducking questions of what you’ve been up to since they saw you last Kwaanza.

I do not have the luxury of living the rural USA, where you can always blame it on some tornado blocking your path to hareez. I do live in suburbia, still try to duck and hide from wazalendo, but it’s hard man. Especially if you used to roll with them daily back in the day when you was a fresher, but now you have moved on.

Here’s a scenario i encountered lately:

I was invited to a bash and only went because the host is my good friend plus, there was promise of food.
I check in, say “wsup” to the usual hooligans i know and keep it moving. Grab a drink and start makelele with a galfriend i haven’t seen for a minute.

Everything is going on well. The music is on point, drinks flowing and everyone looks nice.

After a few hours, one guy approaches me and strikes up a conversation. Apparently i had we had met before at some other funkie but i couldn’t remember him. Then he start spiting bile of how i was feeling sweet for him the last time we met and i refused to give him my phone number. Immediately, i went into defense mode (spartan style) and told him that i do have a right as to who i give/ not give my number to.
You would think with the cold front i am throwing at him, he would get the hint and keep it moving to somewhere sunny and warm…Wapi?!!
He’s sticking around like glue.
He tries another lame attempt…again…to get my number, telling me that he just wants to say hi. I told him:”Well, aren’t you not here? Aren’t you not saying ‘Hi?’. What other ‘Hi’ is there that you wanna tell me?”
Then, seeing that he is not going to suceed to get my digits, flips the script and offer his. I told him strait-up: “I am not going to call you, so don’t.”


Dude got ticked off and went on his bile campaign. After he was done (coz i just looked at him make an ass of himself) i still held my ground…”nope don’t want your number and i won’t give you mine”.

The thing i do not get is why do men(most of them) think that just coz you are vibing a chic that you gotta get the digits? What ever happened to, “I have a choice to say no to you?”
It’s not about feeling hot or anything.If i’m not feeling you, i’m not feeling you. Why can’t you just understand that?

What’s the point of having my number and i will never pick up when you call(thanx to caller-id), or have your number and never call you?

I’m just trying to make things easy for the two of us. Don’t want to give you false hope that i will ever call. Why can’t you please just get off my ass and let me be!!


Posted by on March 24, 2007 in Uncategorized


11 responses to “Rant

  1. Nakeel

    March 26, 2007 at 12:00

    When you make it easy they say you too expensive when you pretend to flow with the vibe they say you cheap. They cant be understood but am glad I see you stood on your ground and you won it.

  2. Dennis

    March 26, 2007 at 19:07

    I have been over 4 months Kenyan bash free and I feel nada!
    Seems that dude has weak game! I on the other hand dont push, when I have Tammy and Tamika to deal with!

  3. kelitu

    March 27, 2007 at 18:52

    Nakeel: I hear you gal. It’s a catch-22. You dammed if you do dammed if you don’t.

    Dennis: I see you done gone all akata. HOw do you deal with their loudness?!!

  4. Acolyte

    March 27, 2007 at 19:38

    Mambo of Kenyans I am bila time, sorry call me a hater but I like to keep my life simple. Also for some strange reason I find it easier to hook up with the natives as opposed to Kenyan mamas, si kwa ubaya. Lakini I will jump back into the Kenyan mix and observe Kenyan mamas so I can tear them a new one! Lol!

  5. Msanii_XL

    March 28, 2007 at 15:00

    lol at the guy not getting a clue, since when is playing dumb strategry?

    Kenyans will be kenyans..gotta love em’. I just watch from afar..’lurker’ status.

  6. kelitu

    March 31, 2007 at 12:52

    Aco, you ain’t no hater. These kenyans will make you wanna fight them when you’ve always chanted:’Shalom’

  7. kelitu

    March 31, 2007 at 12:54

    msanii_xl: LOL!@’lurker status. I can just imagine you sitting somewhere in the shadows like a secret agent, just a looking and observing.

  8. Udi

    April 2, 2007 at 09:12

    LMAO- Yaani u r putting me on blast and yet u didnt give me ur number? its all ngravy

  9. Movie Buff

    April 2, 2007 at 14:36


    I so feel you on this shit….
    And kwanza I hate when your pals give your number to some dude you have been trying to duck.


  10. Milonare

    April 3, 2007 at 05:10

    Beta yet, mamiso gives u numba of Cemetery.
    Call a chick up next day and all you get is “Harro!! Umesema unataka maiti gani???”

  11. kelitu

    April 4, 2007 at 18:18

    Udi: Still love you like cooked food though, despite the weak game. LOL!

    Movie Buff: I have told my pals that i will cut them off without a second thot, if they dare give out my number to some pyscopath in the club/mall or church.

    Milo: You are just wrong, wrong, wrong!!LOL!!


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