Summertime is here and you know what that means: bbqs and beach bumming non-stop.
Here’s my observation on the kenyan man at a bash near you.
Disclaimer:Sorry i gotta throw the mwananchi under the bus…for now.
Having been to several Kenyan bashes, i gotta admit i tend to get this ‘deja vu’ all the time.
Normally i don’t roll with the kenyan croud as much now as i did before.(Been there, done that and have moved one).
I still love my people, as much as they are disfunctional, haters, liars, will sleep with your partner, back-stab etc etc.
You check into the compound and you can clearly tell were your peeps are at coz the ngoma is pure genge and there’s always a civilian with a loud kicheko, teeth all out, gums showing. By the time you get to the door, you are already anticipating a good time. Then you check into the crib…
The first people you meet in the living room are chicks, in small groups just chatting away. Oh, and the tv is on and on Lifetime. Which makes me wonder if a crazed gunman entered the diggz, mamaz would be 1st to be lalishwad chini for life and where are the men, pray tell? In the kitchen/ dining room area (basically where the feed or music is) huddled together holding beer bottles, looking like they were banished from the living room for life.
Yaani syke just ishas on the spot. Iz of how?
Why, o why do kenyan men never mingle with kenyan mamaz in a bash? I don’t mean all but a good % just stand around looking lost, others are busy ogling you down trying to figure out what color panties you got on while others are just plain staring at ya which is mighty creepy.
You can tell the guys wanna get close but the will just keep giving you the puppy eyed look for about 4 hours until you bump into him at the ‘eats table’ when you are busy trying to pack your plate with kachumbari and chapo.
Now that is not the best time to approach a chick coz as much as we are trying to put tons of salad and only 1 drumstick on our plate (to show that we don’t eat much). We are secretly wishing that you would step away so that we can pile on the plate and take it back to our corner.
Plus chances of me remembering your name while my eyes are feasting on a bowl of pilau are slim to none.
I am not bashing the men, please i know kenyan mamas are not a walk in the park too. Yes we stare you down, whisper something to our pal about you and giggle, roll our eyes and whatnot but hey?…it is what it is in the animal kingdom. I know its almost 2010- and we are all jam packing a KQ flight to go watch the World Cup in S.A- still, mamaz as much as we have it on and popping and doing our thing, we still want the man to make the first move. It’s innate. I mean we can step up to you but then we will be branded as hussies, fast ass and whatnot, which may not be the case, but i will not delve into the small mindedness of some men. Sometimes we want to you to step up and say something…
It would greatly help if:
1)When you come up to me, be confident in your delivery. A ka-weak ‘hi, what’s your name’ and all the while looking like you are about to shrink out of your skin is a major turn-off. Kwani you haven’t eaten? you hungry or something?!
2) When you get my pals to make me come over to where y’all are so that you can get to chat me up, relax bana. I don’t eat people, neither am i the FBI coming to quiz you about some incident involving narcotics. The guy is sooo tense he is tripping over his words, you don’t have to unleash everything about yourself in one breath.
3) You maintain eye contact. Okay let me just tetea myself here. I suck with names big time, but i remember faces and places. If you are being shifty with your eyes, i will remember you as “nanii, the jamma with the throwback jersey, sijui he told me he is from Chi-town…”
4) You got the hint. No means no. If you are trying to throw darts and unangukia patupu, please let me be. It ain’t gonna work.
5) You did not come up to me drunk as a skunk, sluring words and nyeshaing on my face, telling me to take your business card and call you tomorrow for a lunch date.
You are clearly not Micheal Power despite drinking Guinness all night long. Keep your beer breath and slury words to yourself.
Here’s the kicker: when a Kenyan dude has wack game, mamaz lenga his vibe and she ends up with a foreigner (insert Naija, kenyan men arch-nemesis) and peeps get mad they are calling for your blood. It ain’t our fault that their corrupt talk got us all in a tizzy. LOL! Chelewa chelewa…
I’m not saying they are better that our men, neither am i a paid spokesperson to advocating for them…
I guess all i’m trying to say is: kijana weka beer chini, straiten out them shoulders and act right. That’s all.