Things that make you go eish?!

06 Jul

Summertime is here and you know what that means: bbqs and beach bumming non-stop.

Here’s my observation on the kenyan man at a bash near you.

Disclaimer:Sorry i gotta throw the mwananchi under the bus…for now.

Having been to several Kenyan bashes, i gotta admit i tend to get this ‘deja vu’ all the time.
Normally i don’t roll with the kenyan croud as much now as i did before.(Been there, done that and have moved one).
I still love my people, as much as they are disfunctional, haters, liars, will sleep with your partner, back-stab etc etc.
You check into the compound and you can clearly tell were your peeps are at coz the ngoma is pure genge and there’s always a civilian with a loud kicheko, teeth all out, gums showing. By the time you get to the door, you are already anticipating a good time. Then you check into the crib…

The first people you meet in the living room are chicks, in small groups just chatting away. Oh, and the tv is on and on Lifetime. Which makes me wonder if a crazed gunman entered the diggz, mamaz would be 1st to be lalishwad chini for life and where are the men, pray tell? In the kitchen/ dining room area (basically where the feed or music is) huddled together holding beer bottles, looking like they were banished from the living room for life.
Yaani syke just ishas on the spot. Iz of how?

Why, o why do kenyan men never mingle with kenyan mamaz in a bash? I don’t mean all but a good % just stand around looking lost, others are busy ogling you down trying to figure out what color panties you got on while others are just plain staring at ya which is mighty creepy.

You can tell the guys wanna get close but the will just keep giving you the puppy eyed look for about 4 hours until you bump into him at the ‘eats table’ when you are busy trying to pack your plate with kachumbari and chapo.
Now that is not the best time to approach a chick coz as much as we are trying to put tons of salad and only 1 drumstick on our plate (to show that we don’t eat much). We are secretly wishing that you would step away so that we can pile on the plate and take it back to our corner.
Plus chances of me remembering your name while my eyes are feasting on a bowl of pilau are slim to none.

I am not bashing the men, please i know kenyan mamas are not a walk in the park too. Yes we stare you down, whisper something to our pal about you and giggle, roll our eyes and whatnot but hey?…it is what it is in the animal kingdom. I know its almost 2010- and we are all jam packing a KQ flight to go watch the World Cup in S.A- still, mamaz as much as we have it on and popping and doing our thing, we still want the man to make the first move. It’s innate. I mean we can step up to you but then we will be branded as hussies, fast ass and whatnot, which may not be the case, but i will not delve into the small mindedness of some men. Sometimes we want to you to step up and say something…

It would greatly help if:

1)When you come up to me, be confident in your delivery. A ka-weak ‘hi, what’s your name’ and all the while looking like you are about to shrink out of your skin is a major turn-off. Kwani you haven’t eaten? you hungry or something?!

2) When you get my pals to make me come over to where y’all are so that you can get to chat me up, relax bana. I don’t eat people, neither am i the FBI coming to quiz you about some incident involving narcotics. The guy is sooo tense he is tripping over his words, you don’t have to unleash everything about yourself in one breath.

3) You maintain eye contact. Okay let me just tetea myself here. I suck with names big time, but i remember faces and places. If you are being shifty with your eyes, i will remember you as “nanii, the jamma with the throwback jersey, sijui he told me he is from Chi-town…”

4) You got the hint. No means no. If you are trying to throw darts and unangukia patupu, please let me be. It ain’t gonna work.

5) You did not come up to me drunk as a skunk, sluring words and nyeshaing on my face, telling me to take your business card and call you tomorrow for a lunch date.
You are clearly not Micheal Power despite drinking Guinness all night long. Keep your beer breath and slury words to yourself.

Here’s the kicker: when a Kenyan dude has wack game, mamaz lenga his vibe and she ends up with a foreigner (insert Naija, kenyan men arch-nemesis) and peeps get mad they are calling for your blood. It ain’t our fault that their corrupt talk got us all in a tizzy. LOL! Chelewa chelewa…
I’m not saying they are better that our men, neither am i a paid spokesperson to advocating for them…


I guess all i’m trying to say is: kijana weka beer chini, straiten out them shoulders and act right. That’s all.


Posted by on July 6, 2006 in Uncategorized


18 responses to “Things that make you go eish?!

  1. Kagz

    July 6, 2006 at 14:35

    As usual, me 1st one here 🙂

    N’way…i simply passed by to say that MSOTFPMBO..Me Still On The Floor Pulling My Braids Out @ my comment to you on “I Have A Question”

    Need to go but i’ll be back to pick more fights.

    Adios Madam!

  2. kelitu

    July 6, 2006 at 17:09

    Kaggz, i will be offering you a ka-part time jobo like this on the blog, good rates, 401K, medical benefits.

  3. kenya77

    July 7, 2006 at 12:37

    your post was enough to bring me out my slumber. Lakini i have to admit almost every word is true . but you dont need to give guys tips. you are spoiling for the small%.If i roll into a kenyan house party which is “segregated” i head straight to the host make up excuses of other plans ,grab enough food for a week and bounce( that is a no fun party).unless i happen to spot that kafly woman in the livingrom then i go jipox in that quoro even if i dont know them. by the time the boys are high enough to come to the living room i am on my way home with lots of grab and an invite to lunch from one of the ladies.

    Hope to see you at one of those parties

  4. spicebear

    July 8, 2006 at 00:35

    kelitu i swear its like you were a fly on the wall at some of these bashes i go to, you are on point!

    me i always end up being followed by the overzealous types who think that if they “dart” you enough you will give in. so they fuata you everywhere and even when you are coming out of the bathroom dude is right there like one of those masked people in a horror movie, eek. those are the ones i give the number for the chinese take out place ama a tol free number cos man! thats the only way they will go away.

    and do all these dudes go to hte same finishing school for pick up lines? so many of htem have the same ‘game’ its sad, so sad.


    July 10, 2006 at 05:56

    Kelitu, well the guy cannot drop the booze and get his game together: It is all the game he has got. It is a crutch, he gets to keep it whether he gets lucky or not.

    @spice…Lol at finishing school for pick up lines

  6. kelitu

    July 10, 2006 at 10:39

    kenya77: i feel you on getting feed for a week. Sometimes i have done that, just gone for the feed.

    LOL! I ain’t spoiling for the small%, trust me there are men who will not know a tip even if it came and slapped them smack btwn the eyes.

  7. kelitu

    July 10, 2006 at 10:42

    LMAO! @ the overzealous darter. Manze i have been there, where you are being katiwad by force, yaani you have to accept my darts. The brutal hand grabbing while you pass by and then the blocking of the path. Sheesh!

    My pal one time was given a number to a police station by a chick coz he had bugged her the whole night. I laughed at him big time.

  8. kelitu

    July 10, 2006 at 10:45

    potash: there’s a time to drink and there’s time to put the drink down. You just can’t keep drinking thru-out. Ama people need to check into AA, incase this drink-clutch thing is a bit too left of center.

  9. akiey

    July 11, 2006 at 07:16

    “chances of me remembering your name while my eyes are feasting on a bowl of pilau are slim to none”

    That’s a featful laughter for me Kelitu! What you’ve written is true & I’ve noticed it in some bashes & dinner parties. I usually discourage huddling together in small groups at my parties.

    Confidence is the key to everything. Play the part right & you go home a winner, ama?

    Thanks for dropping by my two blog homes. Got some new tracks playing & more coming up in a couple of days.

    You a TI fan?

  10. kelitu

    July 11, 2006 at 17:43

    akiey: I am a hip-hop, r&b fan. T.I is one of the southern artists i like.

    Someone, somewhere should offer confidence classes for men who can’t gather up the courage to holla at a chic without sounding very hood.

    Those small kamkunjiz in bashes are really annoying. If my pals throw another bash, i am making seating arrangements. Violaters will have to pay $5

  11. Milonare

    July 12, 2006 at 11:36

    Hihihihi – I love house parties… Good opportunities to mingle with the ladies and Milo loves the ladies

  12. Acolyte

    July 17, 2006 at 19:14

    I am as late as ever!I have to admit that alot of what you say is true.I havent been to too many Kenyan bashes but I will say the last one that I went to was a bit segregated but I have to say that the men there did make an effort to interact with the ladies.
    But I do agree that there are some Kenyan dudes who need to step up their game much as there are some mamas who need to loosen up and give dudes some time of day!
    Nice post!

  13. Kagz

    July 17, 2006 at 22:21

    Knock Knock (LOL)

    I’m back for that ka-part time jobo you offered.
    Lakini niko na swali moja : Do you offer H1 B sponsorship ???

    AOB : Based on your post…now d’you see why i dont dig Kenyan bashes.

    You meet all these weirdos who are surprised you dont know who they are!!!
    You meet a jamaa who’s been looking or a wife & thinks you’re the “aha” factor!

    & dont even get me started on some of the chics…
    (i could be banned from KBW)

    Me i LOVE Kenyans Regardless!!!

  14. kelitu

    July 18, 2006 at 18:36

    milo: you need to be laid hands on- big time. I guess your the kenyan version of LLCoolJ.

  15. kelitu

    July 18, 2006 at 18:37

    Acolyte: Yep mamaz are usually very uptight in those bashes but i will defend us by saying some of the men are just looking for an easy lay. That’s why there’s always that iceberg thing going on.

  16. kelitu

    July 18, 2006 at 18:42

    Kaggz: I don’t offer visa changes, but will pay you in cash…no trail lol!!

    Kenyan chics in bashes are something else… we may need Dr. Phil to break it down into layman terms.
    The men are always looking out for who are the newbie chics, veterans who haven’t accepted their dose for some horizontal hula.

  17. Udi

    July 19, 2006 at 17:37

    me i go house bash to catch pint and piga storo with the boys. Meeting mamas there has been a dissapointment for me. they are all huddled pamoja discussing their last jobo. I am not going to come vybe you when you are kedo 15 women cuddled next to the 13 inch TV.

    But your observations are so on point. But except 1. I cant kumbuka the last house bash that I went to and pataad food. jamaas here devour food before anyone shows up

  18. kelitu

    July 22, 2006 at 14:55

    Udi: Okay about watching a 13 inch tv…okay please! We do love us some flat screen, plasma kwanza.

    Kwani food is pimwad in those bashes you attend?
    Most of the ones i go to it’s the guys job to choma the nyama while chicks bring chapoz and whatnot. And there’s always soo much food that you just have carry take-away. Maybe you need to start screening those bashes.


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