Ist Encounter

07 May

I have decided to blog on the first time I got slayed.


Please do looked shocked and clutch your pearls at the same time. What a mess it was!

So my guy at the time, after dating for a while was huku bragging to me the way he wants to slay me proper. Ati once I have him I will never go back. So after being told time and time again on how I am missing out on serious strokes, chickdee decided why not.
P/S: Kijana was too sawa with the oral stuff. Yaani my toes would curl and my nappy roots would straiten. He was t-h-a-t good.

So one day I stuad him and out of the blue I told him I want strokes all the way. Okay so I should have known by the uso wa mshangao he gave me that the slay my not be up to per. But what did I know, I was a naive girl from the slopes of Shimba hills.

I knew I was going to his crib a ka-innocent chick and coming out a full-fledged mama. Don’t blame me. I had read all those Mills& Boon, Harlequins and Ecstacy Supremes, and the way those female characters were changed after strokage.Which mama doesn’t want all that? Hell and it was about time coz I had heard that Jesus was coming back when the clock struck midnite in 1999…

After serious rubs, coz the dude was working me like a stripper on a pole on a Friday night. I was good, moist and ready.
I had brought my own supply of condoms,coz I was not about to get preggers after the 1st tryout.(Shout out to the pharmacy in Corner House ground floor. You still there?! One of the pharmacist there knew me on a face to face basis.Aki he knew even my favorite brand LOL!).

Brother puts on the rubber and proceeds to breaking and entering. I began to freak-out and hyper-ventilating. We had kadhaa false starts coz I was to busy babbling to even relax:

“Wait, wait. Let me catch my breath.”
“Haya wait I exhale again.”
“My leg is cramping, I can’t feel my leg.”
“Are you sure that condom is on right?”
“No I am not trying another position. I want it missionary. The way God made it to be.”
“Ouch, ouch, could you be more gentle that that?”
“Ouch I did not say you get out. Work with me here.”
“Okay if you take off that condom, i will slap you with it.”
“Oh my God. I’m choking.”

The guy was more calm that i am.

So now that strokes are about to begin. I am hoping that the following strokage effects will occur:
3)The rapture

Instead, it was this:

…Crickets chirping…

The room was quiet and i wasn’t about to break that monotony with some weird sound that sounded like a moan…hapana!
I am sooo feeling shy. Can’t look at his face. I have connected with his shoulders and silently praying that this will be over soon. In the middle of strokes i go like “Could we please move to the middle of the bed coz you are banging my head aganist the wall.” We silently slither to the middle of the bed.

After a few minutes, he suggests that we switch-up position.
Now I am on top.
So very awkward.
What am I going to connect with? The wall? This South-coast finest ain’t about to ride this guy like a pony- unless his was Ginuwine. So i lay on him and tell him the motion is all on him.

5 Minutes later.

I get off and head over to the other side of the bed…in a daze.

Few minutes of silence pass.

He turns to me and says: “Si we go for another rao?”

I am silently dying inside and cringing…

“No thanks. I would like to get home before it’s dark.”
“Why what’s wrong? Did you not enjoy it? Did you come?”

This is what i should have shouted at him.” Oh Hell Naw!! What in the name of strokage was that?!!”

But i said this:” No.I just want to go home.”

Actually i wanted to go home and douse myself in Jik.

He asks if i want to shower with him.
I decline.(The sooner i get outta here the better).
He walks me home.
I live on the other side of the estate.

He apologizes for not satisfying me.
I say it’s okay: Beginners miss-luck

He offers for another try for next sato.
My eyes are rolling internally.
Saying to self:” How can i dump this guy? I love him, he is my bofie. The sex sucks. What to do?”

He gets me home.
Pecks me on the cheek.
Says bye.
I half-walk, half-run to the showers.
I am using anthing i can find: dettol, lifebouy, protex.

Called my guy-buddy and ranted like a mad mama.

What a thrill that was!!


Posted by on May 7, 2006 in Uncategorized


30 responses to “Ist Encounter

  1. Milonare

    May 7, 2006 at 19:08


    Niko hapa kwanza!!

    And KBW thot the blog-ho retired!!!

    Asi! This was funny!!!!

    Did boyfi eventually improve?

    *Milo walks off laughing but stops on realising placatory(is that a word) mbicha has not been put up*

  2. spicebear

    May 8, 2006 at 00:46

    hehe, you sure are brave to post about your first time … me, i’ll wait till i can find words but all i can say is that it wasn’t pretty. is it too late to sue all those harlequins/mills and boons people for not putting a disclaimer about a girl’s first time? cos i am yet to hear of a chile who had the whole fireworks and overwhelmation (this is a word today, i refuse to think anymore today) of emotions.

    practice makes perfect, that much i can say. and for all those guys who have been told ati the first time was wonderful … well, you got punked. seriously. some things like sex skills we are not born with they are acquired over time but those are stories to be beaten on other days.

    loool ati cos jesus was coming back. gives a whole new meaning to partying like it’s 1999, ama? haiya, you didn’t ask him if it was in? no? ah well. lucky you then.

  3. Nakeel

    May 8, 2006 at 04:52

    wuui this kelitu kaa ka kuma simba ile (as ma grand ma calls it) u soo courageous gal and that guy had the nguvus to apologize for not satisfying you..
    What happened after that did he know how to kamata kama wheelbarrow ama it was a red card from the first start…
    LOL at your busy babbles…

  4. The Devious One

    May 8, 2006 at 08:58

    We need to have a class action suit against Mills & Boons, Harlequins and the likes ..those conniving authors described first time sex to be the best thing since freakin sliced bread !!

    And its nothing but a faaaaaaaaaaar stretch from whats on paper damn damn damn !

    * I second Milos motion and demand for a mbicha as well*

  5. kelitu

    May 8, 2006 at 12:02

    Milo: The jamaa kinda inproved after a while but by then i was out of the whole strokes thingi.

    Mbicha nitaweka, just need to find one that looks nguud.
    speaking of mbicha, where is yours?

  6. kelitu

    May 8, 2006 at 12:05

    Spice bear and Devious one: those romance book peole should be sued…ninawaunga mkono.
    Manze the lies they fed us when we were growing up were extreme. I have since then gone bad to Nancy Drews and Hardy boyz.

    Spice: he was well!

  7. kelitu

    May 8, 2006 at 12:11

    Nakeel: Yellow cards were flying on and off. Now when i look back i don’t think we were sexually compatible.
    lol! at your granny’s pronounciation. I only thot it was my relaz who said it that way.

  8. kenya77

    May 8, 2006 at 12:26


  9. tomas

    May 9, 2006 at 06:47

    can i say anything else but
    Maybe you should go the Aco way and Chill!!

  10. kelitu

    May 9, 2006 at 18:49

    kenya77: I am suprised that you would be quiet? Why? You shy?

  11. kelitu

    May 9, 2006 at 18:50

    tomas: you know what, that is what i opted for after a while.

  12. nick

    May 10, 2006 at 01:46

    5minutes u lucky …:-)

    at first i thot u had been recruited into the MS KMutsaurus squad…but urs had a nice realistic personal twist.

    -picha e va?

  13. Acolyte

    May 10, 2006 at 11:06

    @ Kelitu
    Is there any gal who has perfect strokes for night one?Thank God for things like men’s mags that school on technique so that those disasters dont happen again.
    Good thing I am on strokage hiatus!The things that mamas have to go thru!For strokes to be bad for men, they have to be really bad!But for mamas strokes have to be good to be good!

  14. kelitu

    May 10, 2006 at 11:40

    @ nick: i may be filing my makaratasi with them. Hopfully they will pick me.
    I guess you top off at 2.5 minutes eh? LL!!

  15. kelitu

    May 10, 2006 at 11:42

    acolyte: i was expecting alot since the kijana had been bragging for months so when they sucked…i wanted a refund.

    I have never met a mama who had sawa strokes the first time. If there are, ebu they step forward.

  16. kenya77

    May 10, 2006 at 12:22

    My?????! was not out of shyness.It seems you havent learnt about mob words!but i am shocked at the number of unsatisfied women.and what that means for all those jogoos out there running around unsatisfying women lol-dont know if thats a correct term.maybe if you had waited your first experiece might have been better- not a critic just a thought-96% of women deep down inside wish they had waited.
    a BIG %(dont have right stats never experience climax)
    another BIG %(probably 99%) regret having more than one sexual partner.

    But for a full and comprehensive comment you are free to email me

  17. Guessaurus

    May 10, 2006 at 14:09

    Welcome to the other side – application received and accepted… well, Nicko wouldnt leave it alone.

    About first time strokage, hmm, a minefield that. Its scary and most women do it because they love the guy, like you kelitu, not because they are really ready for it. I dont know about whether someone can ever be ready for the first time, but wow wow, your dude was brave -ati apologising, most men would be thumping their chests and roaring like the lion they are.

    Tihihi @Aco saying for women it has to be good to be good – soooo true

  18. Acolyte

    May 10, 2006 at 17:16

    @ Kelitu
    Much as the first time does suck for most I do hope that it gets better for most after that.If you do choose the right partners or dildo though!

  19. kelitu

    May 11, 2006 at 11:31

    guess: how right you are. most of 1st time strokes are based on loving the guy and not actually being ready.
    the guy had this thing of wanting me to achieve climax the 1st time…and since that did not happen he felt the need to apologize. weird!

  20. Blue Poet

    May 12, 2006 at 20:47


    I should have come back a long time ago!!! I see I have been MISSING OUT!

    ehhh. Very informative post for ehhh… me as ehhh… a man…ehhh
    Nice post.
    Blue poet is working on a piece on many a mans first time…coming real soon!!!

    Very brave.


  21. Stunuh Jay

    May 13, 2006 at 07:27

    here’s my two pence on the performance issue. If a guy says he’s hot to trot in bed he should come certified (preferably USD stamped acrros member) And then have reference (in writing, signed!) from previous overly satisfied encounters. Jamaa didn’t know what he was doing. end of.

  22. sandman

    May 15, 2006 at 08:54

    Enyewe the dynamics for the first time for a chile are just crazy. I’ve had the rare opportunity to be with a few mamas their first time and I can honestly say none of them enjoyed it, not and I consider myself pretty good (but do I say.). there wasn’t any of the hiroshima type effects they expected and i could tell they were disappointed. They got to enjoy it more the more cormfortable they got. I think for women themental aspect of sex has to be just right. He could be the best lover in the world but if he rapes you then it’s nothing but pain. just my tongolos.

  23. alexcia

    May 15, 2006 at 12:03

    reminds me f my first time

  24. Prousette

    May 17, 2006 at 03:28

    Oh lala what a funny story.
    Advice to chicks first time treat it as a scientific experiment and be prepared for surprises…nasty.

  25. Shiroh

    May 18, 2006 at 10:04

    Funny funny post. Its the pain and not lack of strokage skills

  26. kelitu

    May 18, 2006 at 12:04

    @shiroh: that true, plus the obession of not wanting to get pg tops it all up into one big disaster.

  27. kelitu

    May 18, 2006 at 12:06

    @Prousette: Men should come with a warning label for a chicks 1st time…

    “Not likely to offer the best of strokes the ist time round.Pain will occur and you may end up disappointed, No money/ Virginity back guarantee.”

  28. >d®

    May 18, 2006 at 23:31

    Now that is some funny stuff! You’ve got balls [or their female equivalent] for putting this out there. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

    Too bad tho that you didn’t get yours that time!

    It gets better with time, what can I say. Or is it that the desire gets more intense with time?

  29. pesa tu

    May 25, 2006 at 06:24

    I just had my first experience 18 months ago(NOTE: i’m a straight kenyan male over 24 years).

    It was great, i didn’t know i could please another person so much with my body.
    Still have my L-plates as i learn more………

  30. Ken

    July 5, 2006 at 11:07

    I’m probably the last here, Credit! u got balls to post stuff like that.


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