Blind Date Saga

12 Mar

The dating scene is both a frightening and exciting place. Exciting because you get exposed to different kinds of people. Frightening because sometimes the people we meet are just plain ol’ scary.

Blind dating is just another thing all together. I have been to several of these and “Oh! the horror!” Here’s one of them:

After coming out of a long term relationship, I decided to get on the dating bandwagon and become a serial dater. I turned to some of my pals who were pros in the dating scene. Before long, I was being hooked up left and right. I had a strict rule, the guys should not be in any kind of relationship and not psychos(yes I have been stalked several times and let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. The Kenyan Police force should open up a stalking division, but till then prayer works).

One of my pals was trying to sell this guy on me for months. When i had given them my list of demands, she swore that the guy was the one.
So we met up in town with my pal and hooked up with the guy in some joint on Koinange Street. (Okay the street during the day, wasn’t as notorious as it is at night). When we entered the cafe, and she intoduced us, my heart sank. I don’t care what people say, physical appearance is a must. The guy had unkempt hair, smoker lips, and my biggest turn off, long fingernails…urghh just nasty!! I tried my best to be pleasant while my mind wanted me to take off running.
After a bit of chit chat, we decided to ALL (coz i wasn’t about to go ANYWHERE alone with this guy) go out on Saturday night.
Come Sato night my pal showed up looking all pretty, i on the other hand did not even try to go out of my way to spruce up. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and lighter(i anticipated a long night), ID and some cash. I have never been a fan of carry a whole tote bag to the night scene, You know what they say, “Travel light, travel far”.
In my head i am thinking that we are going to the hottest club that was on and popping then, K1. Instead of heading towards the Parklands area, the cabbie heads on to Forest Road.”Kwani where are we going?” I asked my pal. “Oh we are going to pick up the guy, at some joint then we will go klubbing.”

Now i should have listened to my conscience and knew that this was not going to be a good ‘date’ when we got out of the cab at some joint that was playing qk music in full blast and happened to spot one of my lecturers getting his drink on. But no i was trying to be a good sport and go with the flow.
The guy flagged us down, (yes those mathree styles) and we headed to where he was, a table full of other much older gentlemen and few mamaz who had seen better days. They were having a wedding committee meeting. I am quickly shown my seat(next to the guy if course, i quickly ignore that and sit next to my pal across the table from him). Drinks are brought chap chap together with nyam chom. I opt out of the meat deal and slowly sip my reds, praying that this would be over fast.

2 hours later…

The meeting ends and just in time because i was about to start pulling out my hair, one strand at a time. I straighten up and take in a deep breath. The guy asks where we want to go and in unison my pal and i reply “Klub House!” Is that a sigh i hear coming from him? Followed by a bit of mumbling under his breath? Oh well, i don’t care.I’m going dancing so he can sigh all he wants.
We jump into his car and i am beaming ear to ear. Even before we pull out of the parking lot, i am quickly thinking who among my pals would be there—
My thots are quickly cut short when we pull up at Roasters. I turn to my pal with a puzzled look. She turns to him and asks what’s up. The guy says something to the effect that he has to meet a business buddy, etc, we will only be there a few minutes.
So now i’m getting pissed because i was not informed before hand about all this mini stops we were going to make. I stiffly get out of the car and we go table hunting with my pal who is trying to soothe me. The guy tells us to order drinks and promises to be back soon. I need something strong, so i order 2 vodka shots and gulp them without a second thought, and order some more. I reach into my coat pocket and find my pack…It’s about damn time! 1 cigarette, 2, 3, i mean i am burning thru these babies like am about to receive an award. One of the guys we rode with, grabs the pack out of my hand(ati out of concern). My pal sees the “imma kill this f*cker if he doesn’t give me back my stuff” look, and tells him to give them back. ” Why are you chain smoking like this?” he asks. “Coz if i don’t, i may end up killing someone.” I leer back at him. “You don’t have to be soo mad,” He replys. “Oh, really, here i am freezing to death in this godforsaken place and my plans for a fun filled night are dashed and you are telling me not to get mad?”
“Leave my friend alone, let her smoke.” my pals finally interjects beacasue she knew that it if he did not stop pestering me it was going to become an all out war.

After 45 mins the guy comes back, smiling and whistling the lingala tune being played by the live band. My pal whispers something to him as soon as he sits down and I’m thinking’ “okay we are about to leave.” The guy instead orders a beer and tried to give me words of wisdom about being patient. So, now my eyes are doing backflips in their sockets, is this guy for real?! I swear were it not for the fact that that place was away from civilization, i would have walked home in protest.

We finally get up to leave, now i am not even talking coz i am thinking how i have wasted a perfect night trying to impress this goon. My pal is the one doing the talking now. Once we get on the highway, i loosen up because i am seeing the cigarette light at the end of the tunnel. “It’s not too late, we will still make it.”
We get to the junction and the guy, who is obviously the driver says that we have to drop off the other guy in South C. My mind went,”$#%@?!”

The guy gets dropped off at his crib and we make a turn back on the higway. Now, you know the night is over when you hear the mwadhini calling people for early morning prayer. I turn to my pal and tell her that i would rather if they dropped me off at home. Oh no! The guy wants to make good on his word to take us klubbing, by the time we get there, the place is closing and i had to convince the bouncer that all i wanted to do was use the bathroom. The guy then decides to try to make is up to me and we head to the nearest pub and buy drinks so that we can go and chill at his crib.

When we get to his place, he tries to pacify my with some psychological ish trying to loosen me up (yes, he was hoping to score, the nerve!). I grab my drink and the TV remote and flip channels and block him out of my ears. My pal who is clearly drunk sits on his lap and before long they are checking each others tonsils…(yeah…i was speechless too). They head off to the guys room where the moaning goes on for about 30 minutes.

They finally appeared and i quickly grabbed my coat and headed for the door, the guy got the hint and knew that i had enough of his BS. When we pulled up to the driveway, i jumped out of the car before he could make a complete stop, unlocked the gate and ran into the house. (Did not bother with pleasantries at this point).

My pal did call me a few hours later and tried to explain the night’s events. I did not need any of that mess explained okay, i was there when it all went down. I quickly brushed it off and told her that it would be a good idea if we just forget the whole thing.

You would think that i would have given up on blind date thing after that fiasco? No. I was out there yet again, meeting people that would make me question their sanity as well as mine .


Posted by on March 12, 2006 in Uncategorized


13 responses to “Blind Date Saga

  1. Malaika

    March 12, 2006 at 21:27

    Oh my FREAKING GOSH!!!!!! I CAN”T BELIEVE THIS MESS!!!! The girl who was hooking you up slept with the hook up!@?!?? WHAT THE HELL???? girl you are a GOOD one if ya’ll are still cool after that mess.

  2. Samborera

    March 13, 2006 at 03:50

    Kwanza, what’s serial dating? I guess kissing frogs is an occupational hazard in this regard. I went on a couple of blind dates some time ago, on the back of flirty emails. The mental images I’d formed didn’t exactly tally with the real thing, [Possibly for them also] and the excitement waned rather sharply after the dates. How often do you have to have known/gone out/called someone for you to be classified as dating. New experiences can be interesting and meeting new people is definitely exciting.

    K1 still kicks? I thought it died of natural causes. I should check it out.

  3. kelitu

    March 13, 2006 at 12:42

    @malaika i mean she slept with him. Even if i was to get mad, what would that solve? i
    I kept my distance from her after that.
    @samborera: this was K1 waaaaaay back in the day when it had gathered steam.

  4. Malaika

    March 13, 2006 at 15:09

    i guess so…i don’t mean be flagrantly evil towards her but what you apparently did do. that was one crazy story…have you checked out the company bitch? she has a crazy one right now. her friend S is dating someone of questionable gender.

  5. Shiroh

    March 14, 2006 at 08:31

    LOL,ati she slept with him?
    The unkempt man?

  6. Guessaurus

    March 14, 2006 at 11:28

    I dont know whether to laugh or frown on this one – your pal of course is a mess – yukk.

    Blind dates are scary at best – i went for one once that my friend had set me up, she came with me, a friend of the dude i was being hooked up with ‘stole’ my number from his friend and came instead – when my friend saw him she was like that is not the guy and we should get out of there – we gave our excuses and ran!

    Not going down that route again…

  7. Farmgal

    March 14, 2006 at 17:29

    can you say drama….and you still going…
    all the best for you next date

  8. kelitu

    March 16, 2006 at 12:45

    @shiroh: yes the man was a mess.

    @guess: that jipoxer on your date cracked me up, i hope he had good reason as to why he stole his pals number.

    @farmgal: i have been lucky in some of those blind dates, but after a while i opted to go go out there and find me a man for myself.

  9. Jay

    March 17, 2006 at 02:03

    LOL is this like a true story cos if it is…… Your buddy is a hot mess. And I’m not saying that unkindly or maliciously. Pole sana.

  10. Milonare

    March 18, 2006 at 09:34


    I really like the way you write…

    Dayum dayum dayum!!!

    Ati whistling the lingala tune? ROTFL

    Pole lakini thanks for making me laugh soo hard!!

  11. Acolyte

    March 18, 2006 at 12:34

    How could I miss this post!I must admit that your gal really played you big time!’coz usually gals are great judges when it comes to gauging men so I dunno how she hooked you up with a loser like that.I guess some guys have no shame in their game, a dude bores you,takes you to whack joints and thinks he’s goin to get some.Damn!Oh well let us know how the next one goes….

  12. kelitu

    March 19, 2006 at 13:25

    @ Ms K, i kid you not it is for real. There’s no faking when it comes to wasting a night at Roasters badala ya the hottest Klub in town and then being played by the hook-er(pun intended).

  13. kelitu

    March 19, 2006 at 13:42

    @ acolyte, will do.

    @ milonare, once you get caught up in the Lingala matrix, the songs just get embedded in you brain. You start whistling at the drop of a hat.


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